


2 AM Wake Up Call: The Wedding

by Tonks32



Series: Castle: AM Series [4]
Category: Castle
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Family, Fluff and Angst, Sad with a Happy Ending, Wedding
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-22
Updated: 2019-05-22
Packaged: 2020-03-09 20:18:43
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 30,201
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18924319
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tonks32/pseuds/Tonks32
Summary: They say that the first year of marriage is the roughest, but the first week proves more trying for the couple. It seems like nothing is never easy for Kate Beckett and Richard Castle. So why would their wedding be any different? Set in my AM universe.





	1. 7 AM Nightmare

   “Castle!”

   The writer’s heart leaped straight into his throat at the sound of pure terror in his partner’s voice. Taking the rest of the steps two at a time, Castle burst through the door leading to the roof being blinded by the harsh glare of the setting sun. It was empty. _Oh God!_ His knees went out on him in the realization that she must have gone over. This couldn’t be happening? The things he said to her now were the last words he would ever speak to her. “Kate.”  He should have been faster. Should have picked up Ryan’s call on the first attempt.

   “Castle!”

   Beckett’s scream had Castle scrambling to his knees to bolt towards the side of the roof. There was no stopping the sob of relief from escaping his throat. Hanging by the tip of the fingers from his ledge was Beckett with the most terrified expression he had ever seen in his entire life. “Beckett.”

   Her wild gaze snapped to his, latching on to them for dear life. “Oh god Castle. Please pull me up.”

   “Just hang on.” He was already leaning down to grasp her wrist, “I got you.”

   “Castle watch out!”

   The warning came too late. Before the writer could even register her voice, something hard rammed into his side forcing him to lose his grip on Beckett’s wrist. That something was Maddox and he came down swinging. Castle had the luck to block the first blow, but the second one hit him square in the jaw snapping his head backward. Latching on to Beckett’s frantic voice, Castle pushed past the stars blinding his vision. Castle never saw him as a particularly strong man and only acquired minimal self-defense skills when doing book research. Nothing compared to Maddox’s Special Forces training. That didn’t stop him from fighting with all his might. If he failed then that meant living with the fact he caused Beckett’s death.

   “Castle!” Beckett’s frightened voice came from the ledge, “Help! I’m slipping.”

   “Beckett hold on.” Hooking a leg around his attacker’s waist, Castle twisted, throwing Maddox off him. The move only gave him a momentary upper hand and he used it by ramming his fist into Maddox’s face. The man recoiled revealing the gun tucked into his belt and Castle wasted no time diving for it. They began to grabble for it. Castle tried and failed to evade Maddox, but he didn’t let them slow him down. Get the gun. Get the gun and save Beckett. Even if that meant taking a life. For Beckett, he could do that. 

   “CASTLE!”

   The sound of his partner’s voice distracted Castle long enough to lose any gain he had on getting the gun. The strike from the metal barrel had him flat on his back daze and bleeding from a large gash to his temple. Beckett’s voice calling his named rang in his ear and there was nothing he could do. Maddox was now standing with the barrel of the gun pointed at his head. He failed. “Kate.”

   A sinister smile crossed the gun man’s face, “Can’t help her now.”

   Castle watched helplessly as Maddox shifted closer to the ledge where Beckett was hanging on by the tips of her fingers. “Please.” Please, what? Ask the mad man nicely not to shoot the woman he loved? To just let them walk away? That’s right, just ask nicely and it would everything will be all right. This wasn’t one of his books. He couldn’t just write a happy ending for this situation.

   “I hope you said your goodbyes, Mr. Castle.” Maddox swung the gun down at Beckett and fired.

0o0o0o0o0o0

   His throat was sore from a scream that was lodged deep down fighting to get out. With the gunshot echoing in his heat, Castle’s eyes flew open sucking in a breath as he fumbled to untangle himself from the sheets that had wrapped around him like a cocoon due to his thrashing.  His heart was pounding so hard in his chest he feared it would break through it.

   Beckett.

   He reached out to the spot beside him to find it empty. He scrambled out of bed, falling onto his hands and knees. Sobs were forming in his chest. Beckett. Freeing himself from the sheets still wrapped around his legs, Castle scrambled to his feet and was out the door. His sprint didn’t last long as the person he sought was in the kitchen bringing him to a halt. Breathing in hard, Castle took a moment to soak up the site of Beckett causally leaning over the counter reading with her morning cup of coffee. She was okay. It was just a dream. They were okay.

   Beckett’s head snapped up startled by her fiancé’s frantic entrance. “Castle?” Her voice was laced with concerned at his wild appearance.

   “Kate.” He flew at her with her name falling from his lips in a soft sob.

   Beckett found herself wrapped up so tightly in his arms that she could barely get a breath in. She didn’t protest just simply curled one hand in the short strands of hair at the back of his head while he dug into his shoulder. “Umpf,” Beckett found that he could actually squeeze the life out of her, “Rick?”

   “I couldn’t… I couldn’t…” Tears burned the back of his throat. “You fell. I couldn’t get to you. I let you fall, Beckett.”

   “No, you didn’t.” She did her best to soothe him by running her fingers through the locks of his sweat-soaked hair. The rooftop incident happened over a week ago. After their huge blow out in the rain, they hadn’t spoken about it outside the fact that she had given up her job in wake of Gate’s suspension. “I’m right here, Babe. I’m right here. You saved me.”

   “I didn’t…”

   “It was just a dream,” Beckett whispered reassurance in his ear, her heart breaking at the way his shoulders shook with sobs he was desperately trying to hold back. “Everything is okay. Just a dream.”

   Cupping the back of her head, Castle drew away to look down at her face as to assure himself that what she was saying was real. It wasn’t enough so he pressed his mouth to hers sinking into her familiar taste and letting it wash away the horrible images in his head. “I’m sorry.” Stroking his thumb over her cheek, he pulled away to nuzzle her nose, “I’m sorry.”

   “I’ve had my share of nightmares so you have nothing to apologize for.” He was still shaking and Beckett pulled his hand from her face and laid it over her chest to assure him that she was alive. That she was safe. “You were there, Castle. You pulled me from the ledge.”

   “I could have lost you.”

   “You didn’t.”

   “If I didn’t take Ryan’s call. If I…”

   Beckett shushed him with a soft kiss, “Don’t go down that road, Rick.”

   “Marry me.”

   “I already said yes.” She answered on a laugh. “But if it helps I’ll let you ask me again.”

   “No, marry me.” He repeated, “Let’s get married. Now.”

   “What?”

   “I think that we’ve proved that we can make this work for the long run. A piece of paper won’t change that.”

   “Rick-.”

   “Just listen to me.” He softly begged, “I know it was just a dream but it reminded me how close I came to losing you. I just don’t want to waste any more time. I don’t want to lose you without ever you being my wife. I know you think I’m being crazy I know that you probably dreamed of planning a wedding and making everything perfect. I want you to have all that, I do. It’s just I-.”

   “Okay.”

   Castle’s head jerked up, “What?”

   “Okay.” Beckett repeated, “Let’s get married.”

   “Really?”

   “Yes.” She answered this time with a smile, “I don’t need a big wedding, Castle. All I need is you to be there.”

   “God I love you.” He slammed his mouth to hers muffling her laughter. “So much.”

   “Let’s go.”

   His brow shot up, “Now?”

   “What? This was your idea.”

   Castle pulled her tight against him and buried his face in her hair. How he was blessed with this woman he would never know and never would question it. This amazing woman loved him for whatever reason and that’s all that mattered. “This weekend,” he offered. “Let’s do it this weekend. Gives us a few days to get things straight.”

   “Like telling your daughter for one.” Beckett chuckled snuggling further into his arms. This was crazy, but she wouldn’t have it any other way. In four short days, she was going to marry Richard freakin Castle. The man who was her partner in every sense of the way. So he was right when he said a piece of paper would change nothing between them. They had jumped in with both feet a long time ago.

   “We’ll tell her.” Castle swept his fiancé in up into his arms with a goofy grin, “After I’ve had my way with you.”

   Beckett wrapped her arms around his neck so she could have easier access to nibble on his ear, “Ravish me, writer boy.”

   “Man.” He breathlessly corrected tossing her carefully onto to the bed. “It’s writer man.”

   Grinning, Beckett reached up to yank Castle down by the front of his shirt. The writer happily settled between her legs as her lips found his. “Shut up and ravish me.”

   “With pleasure.”

0o0o0o0o0o0o0

   Still glowing from the morning activities, Beckett knocked hastily on her old apartment door and waited very impatiently for Alexis to open the door. She had her key and was half tempted to use it when the time stretched on but didn’t want to ruin her soon to be step daughter’s privacy. And for the fact the last time she used it, out of habit, she may or may not have walked in on Alexis and Jeremy in the middle of a heavy petting session. Thankfully she had been able to high tail it out of there before either of them noticed her presence. “Come on Alexis.” Beckett knocked again.

   The door opened a moment later to a flustered Alexis, “Kate?”

   Oh god, not again. Beckett cautiously glanced over the red head’s shoulder, “Is Jeremy here?”

   “Maybe.” Alexis shifted to block Beckett’s view, “Is dad with you.”

   “Lucky for you he’s not. But I need you to say goodbye to that boyfriend of yours and come with me?”

   “I do?”

   “Well if I’m getting married on Saturday I need to go get a dress so I’m dragging you and Lanie around town until we find one.”

   “Wait. Wait.” Alexis stopped the detective from rambling on, “You’re getting married this Saturday?”

   A smile blossomed on Beckett’s face, “Yes.”

   “With my dad, right?”

   Beckett couldn’t’ help but laugh, “Is it supposed to be someone else?”

   “Well, you don’t seem like the hoe type-.”

   “Alexis!”

   “Come on.” Alexis tugged the woman into the apartment causing her boyfriend to snap upright on the couch and do his best to smooth out the wrinkles in his clothes. The redhead all but shoved the detective onto one of the bar stools, “Now what the hell is going on? Has something happened? Are you dying? Is dad?”

   “Lexis-.”

   “Oh god.” Alexis snapped a hand over her mouth in realization, “You’re pregnant!”

   “No, I’m not pregnant,” Beckett assured to both Alexis and Jeremy. The outburst had drawn the attention of the young man who had jumped over the couch to join their conversation. Of course, that’s where everyone thought would go and Beckett struggled to find a way to explain it in a way that they would understand. When it came down to it they simply didn’t want to wait to be husband and wife. Couldn’t wait to start the next chapter of their lives together. “Nor am I dying and as far as I know neither is your father.”

   “Haven’t you guys only been engaged for what a week?” Jeremy asked trying to catch up with what was going on.

   In response, Beckett twisted the ring on her finger, “five days.”

   “And don’t usually people wait for at least a couple of months before walking down the aisle?”  Alexis pointed out.

   “I know this all sounds crazy but when it comes down to it it’s very simple. I love Castle and he loves me. There is no need to wait in either of our minds.” Well, that was a good way to put it and thankfully Alexis seemed to accept it without further need for an explanation. “Of course we won’t do this without your approval, Alexis.”

   “Are you kidding me!” Laughing, Alexis caught her soon to be stepmother in a tight embrace, “Of course I approve, Kate. And this way you won’t have time to realize that you bit off more than you can chew when it comes to my dad.”

   Beckett squeezed tighter, “I think I’ve had plenty of time to realize that, Lexis. If I didn’t kill him yet then we should be all right. So.” She drew away to search Alexis’s face, “You ready to go find me a dress?”

   “Duh!”

0o00o0o0o0o0o0o0o0

    They met Lanie at some dress boutique in the city and thankfully the ME seem to accept Beckett’s explanation without to many questions. Beckett figured it was due to Lanie’s excitement to go dress shopping. If there was one thing that Lanie loved was shopping. They were on dress number four when Beckett was started to get a bit frustrated. She didn’t think that finding a dress would be easy but figured that she would start to get an idea after a few of them.

   “No to…” Alexis waved her hand in an attempt to get her point across.

   Beckett looked at herself in the mirror once again and let out a heavy sigh, “Not me.”

   “Well on to the next one.” Lanie was already on her feet handing another dress over to her friend.

   Rolling her eyes, Beckett reluctantly took it before heading towards the dressing room. This time after she stripped off her current dress she took a moment to look at herself in the mirror. Clad in only her undergarments she could see the scars that branded her body and found herself wanting to look away. Some were fading and some were still healing. She gingerly touched the bright pink patch of raised skin about an inch maybe two long that was near her left hip. Pressing down caused a sense of strange pressure that almost felt like pain as if the wound was still fresh. Beckett knew that it was her mind recalling the night that Grey’s knife had pierced her body. Recalling the fear that coursed through her as she lay bleeding in Castle’s arms. Recalling the terrifying feeling that her mother hadn’t had that comfort hadn’t had anyone in that alley where she was stabbed to death.

   God how Beckett wished that her mother was here to help her find the perfect dress. To gush over Castle and Alexis. To give her the advice on what makes a marriage work and how to be a mother. Damn it her mother should be here! But she wasn’t thanks to the likes of Coonan and Maddox and whoever was behind them pulling the strings. For the first time since the rooftop incident, Beckett stopped to think about the fact that Maddox was out walking the streets. Sure she had no regrets about stepping away from her mother’s case because it was clear that it was consuming her. It was coming close to destroying the one thing in her life that mattered the most. Castle and Alexis. They had become the most important things in her life. More important than bringing justice to her mother’s death. The fact that she had forgotten that and started chasing the shadows filled her with anguish for the things she said to Castle. For implying that he was secondary in her life. The fact that he had fought to keep her instead of deeming her not worth the trouble made tears burn in the back of her throat.

   “Kate?” Alexis peeked her head around the current instantly becoming concerned at the detective lack of dress. She stepped inside before rousing any suspicion from Lanie that something was wrong. “Are you okay?”

  “What?” Beckett looked up startled.

   “Does it hurt?”

   “What?” She repeated looking down to where she was still touching the scar, “Oh. A bit I guess.”

   This was the first time that Alexis had seen the scar on her abdomen from the knife Beckett took in exchange for her safety. A little over a year later, Alexis couldn’t look at the jagged scar on the detective’s neck without being overwhelmed with guilt.  Now seeing the other made her feel ten times worse as well amazed that this woman who had no obligation to her other than being her father’s partner was willing to die in order to keep Grey from hurting her.

   “Look at me.” Beckett curled a finger under the younger woman’s chin and lifted until blue eyes met her hazel ones. “Every time, do you understand? Every time I’m faced with the choice I will protect you no matter what the cost.”

   “But-.”

   “But nothing.” Beckett cut her off, “I love you.”

   “I love you too Kate.”

   “Good now let’s get this dress on before Lanie comes barging in here to do it herself.”

0o0o0o0o0o0o0o

   “Good Mother, you’re home.” Castle, sitting on the couch, looked up from his tablet with a wide grin at the redhead rushing through the door.

   “I’m only back for a moment, dear.” Martha waved at him and started for the stairs.

   “Mother wait!” Leaping over the back of the couch, Castle managed to stop her before she got too far. “Kate and I are getting married.”

   “Yes dear, I know this.” Martha patted her son’s cheek with a smile, “And I have expressed just how delighted I am by the fact that you finally realized that she’s the best thing to happen to you and asked her. Now congratulations again, but I must be quick.”

   “Kate and I are getting married as in walking down the aisle with rings and everything.” That got her full attention. “This Saturday.”

   Martha’s brow furrowed, “But why? Oh goodness is she pregnant.”

   “No she’s not pregnant,” Castle assured though the thought of seeing Beckett swollen with his child was a very pleasant to think about. Having children wasn’t something to rush into, but maybe it was a conversation worth bringing up after the wedding. They hadn’t really discussed what Beckett would do now that she turned in her shield. The possibility of her going back was still on the table. As much as he might not like the constant danger of Beckett’s job, he had accepted a long time ago that being a cop was who she was. “We just don’t see the sense in waiting.”

   “Oh, Richard that’s great. I’ve always preached the greatness of seizing the day. There is so much to do in so little time!”

   “That’s why I need your help.”

   They hadn’t gotten very far in planning when Alexis and Beckett returned to the loft empty handed. Castle frowned when his daughter flung herself back dramatically on the couch on a long sigh. The writer shot his fiancé a look, “No luck?”

   “No!” The answer came from Alexis. “Three stores and over a dozen dresses and nothing!”

   “You would think she was the one that had to try them all on,” Beckett whispered leaning against the counter joining father and mother.

   “Heard that!” Alexis stated.

   Castle rubbed a gently hand down Beckett’s back, “Sorry that it was a bust.”

   “I figured after that many dresses I would have some type of an idea on what I was looking for.” None of them felt right. She looked at herself in the mirror it was just painfully apparent even though Lanie oh-ed and awed with everyone. Though she was the farthest thing to an expert on weddings, Beckett knew that when it came to the dress she was supposed to take one look at herself in it and just know with every fiber of her bean that dresses the one. The dress that would stop Castle dead in his tracks as she walked down the aisle to him. 

   “It’s only the first day.”

   “I don’t know if I can go through another one like today. As much as I love Lanie I was ready to kill her every time she pulled out another dress.”

   “Do you want to wait?” The question was asked on a soft voice. As much as Castle wanted to get married to this wonderful woman the last thing he wanted to do was push her into anything she wasn’t ready. He had proven by now that he was willing to wait for her to reach the next step. After all, he did patiently, okay so maybe not so patiently, wait for Beckett for four years for her to see he was more than just a partner.

   “No.” Beckett chased the thought away with a kiss, “We still got a few more days. I will find something. What have you been up to?”

   “Looking up places to get married.” Castle informed invoking a confusing expression from his partner, “What?”

   “Why not just go to the Hamptons?”

   The writer started drumming his fingers against the counter, “I just well I didn’t know about your views on getting married in a church.”

   “Do you want to get married in a church?”

   “No.” He answered a little too quickly thinking back to his second trip down the aisle.

   Beckett cocked her head to the side with that look that made the most hardened of criminals, “That sounds like it has a story attached.”

   “No, it doesn’t.”

   Ahead of red hair popped up over the edge of the couch, “He married Gina in a church because her parents insisted on it until they were blue in the face. Let just say it ended with dad knocking over a candlestick and nearly setting Gina’s wedding dress on fire.”

   Castle glared at his daughter all the while why his soon to be wife slapped a hand to her mouth to try and fail miserably to hold back her laughter. “Traitor.”

   “Sorry Dad,” Alexis swung her legs over to the side and pushed to her feet. She padded his back, “Just think I’m getting you use to when you guys have a kid of your own and you never win at anything ever again.”

   “I never do now.” The thought of Beckett carrying his child brought back that pleasant feeling he had earlier. Catching Beckett’s beaming face Castle could see she felt similar to the thought. Maybe they weren’t that far away from that after all. “I figured that you would want something more meaningful.”

   “Like the library, you arrest Richard in,” Martha suggested pleasing everyone with the idea. “I’m sure with the right amount of convincing that we can work something to work by this weekend.”

   That convincing was money. Beckett nixed that thought with a wave of her hand. Money wasn’t something they really fought about and Castle wasn’t the type of guy that flaunting it around more than just a few times every now and again. When they moved in together, the start of their combined life in Becket’s opinion, she wanted it to be stated for the record that his money held no interest to her. Many women did. Beckett wanted everything to be split down the middle the best they could.  Even this shotgun wedding they were planning. “I think the Hamptons are a good idea. Plus we don’t have to worry too much about decorating the place and everything. Plenty of room for the people we do invite to stay over.”

   “Speaking of which who do you plan on joining?” Martha wondered tapping her pen on the pad of paper in front of her. “Dr. Parish of course and the boys.”

   Beckett’s gaze flickered to Castle’s or a brief moment before settling on the older redhead. “I’m not so sure if we can get them both. I talked to Lanie today and apparently, they aren’t very happy with each other.”

   This raised Alexis’s interest, “What happened?”

   “Well,” Castle rubbed the back of his neck in a clear stalling tactic. They hadn’t really told the redhead about the circumstances that was the true reason leading to their engagement. Not that it started out with their intention. Yes, Maddox was out there and yes he had tried to throw Beckett off a roof and yes he might try again, but the last thing they wanted to do was alarm their family. Beckett had stepped away from the case for good hopefully cutting all ties that would draw Maddox back to them. “The last case was a bit rough on them. They didn’t agree on what the right thing was to do causing them to splinter.”

   “They’ll be fine.” Or at least Beckett hoped. After all, it was her blindness that caused the partners to have the standoff in the first place. “Maybe the wedding will bring them together or at least they can pretend to stand each other for a short period of time.”

   “Well it was fun today, Kate, but I’ve got a lot of homework that I have to get back to.”

   “I’m sure that’s not all there is.” Beckett managed to mummer at the right moment when the writer’s attention had been brought back to the tablet so was none to wise to the murderous look Alexis shot her way. Castle might like to maintain the peace of mind that his baby girl was not having sex even if all the signs pointed to it. Beckett did what do could to help him keep that innocent way of thinking, didn’t mean that she was going to miss a prime opportunity to tease the younger redhead. “I’ll call you after your last class and give you an update to see if you want to join Lanie and I for round two of dress shopping.”

   “Hope you can handle you on your own until I come to the rescue.” Alexis bided the adults goodbye and threw over her shoulder just on her way out the door, “Love you.” 

0o0o0o0o0o0o

   After an hour or two going back and forth on where to have the ceremony, the couple decided that the Hamptons was indeed the perfect place. All that was left now was to get some rings and tell Beckett’s father. So that’s what brought her to the special dinner she always met her father and order herself a strawberry milkshake while she waited. For some reason, Beckett was nervous about telling her father about the plans to speed up the wedding. She had no clue why. He had been ecstatic when she told him about the engagement. What Beckett failed to mention was the events leading up to the surprise engagement. And if it was left up to her, he would never know. They had an understanding that Beckett would let her mother’s case go. No more chasing after shadows.

   “Katie.”

   Snapping out of her cloud of thoughts, Beckett looked up to her father’s slightly worried face. “Hey, dad.” She stood to give him a nice hard hug. “Thanks for coming.”

   Jim drew away, searching her face for the unanswered question swirling in his eyes, “Never miss a chance to have dinner with my best girl.” He slid into the booth across from his daughter, “Rick not coming?”

   “No, I wanted to talk to you alone.”

   Jim caved and asked, “Is everything all right?”

   “Yes,” Beckett replied doing nothing to reassure her father judging by the skeptical look on his face. “I have some good news in fact. Rick and I are getting married this weekend. Before you ask, no I’m not pregnant.”

   The corner of his mouth twitched into a smile, “That’s a hell of a shotgun wedding there, Katie. What time?”

   Beckett hesitated for a moment, “You’re not disappointed?”

   “Why would I be disappointed? You love him, right?”

   “More than I thought I could love anybody.”

   “Then I don’t see any reason for the long wait. If you love a person then why wait. Your mother and I didn’t have a particularly long engagement.”

   “A bit longer than a week.”

   Jim laughed, “Yes.”He reached across the table to take her hand in his, “Rick is a good man. More importantly, he loves you beyond measure and he makes you happy. I didn’t think any man would be good enough for my little girl, but Richard Castle is. Your mother would say the same.”

   The mention of her mother, after all, that had happened in the last week, brought tears to her eyes. More than anything, Beckett wished that she was here to experience this moment with her. Right there she came to the painful realization why she was dragging her feet ever so slightly. This was something Beckett had always envisioned sharing with her mother. “You think so?”

   “I know so,” Jim softly assured. “So the question is, do you think you can pull a wedding off in a week? Don’t you have any open cases?”

   “I umm well,” Beckett played aimlessly with the straw of her milkshake. Lying to her father wasn’t something she liked to this, but in this situation, it called for it. Telling him about her choice to turn in her shield would only lead to a slew of questions she wasn’t ready to answer. “I took some vacation. I had quite a bit saved up.”

   “Have you found a dress?”

   “Alexis, Lanie, and I tried today but none felt right. I must have tried on a dozen.”

   “Have you thought maybe about using your mothers?”

   Well no she hadn’t. Beckett took a moment to do it now. She remembered seeing pictures of their wedding day and thinking just how beautiful her mother looked in it. Even snuck into the attic where it was kept when she was younger to try it on herself. Of course, she had been caught. But thankfully her mother hadn’t been mad. In fact, told her that she had hoped that Beckett might even wear it to her own wedding. Beckett recalled her reaction to marriage had been one of disgust. After all, she had been no more than six.

   “It would have to be altered, but would save you a lot of trouble trying to find one in such a short time.”

   “I think it’s a great idea.”

   “Great.” Jim pulled out the menu with a huge smile on his face easing whatever worry Beckett had. “You sure you’re not pregnant?”

   Shaking her head, Beckett laughed, “No.”

   “Damn.” His gaze drifted to the menu, “Looking forward to being a grandfather to a little one.”

   It warmed Beckett’s heart that her father had taken to be one to Alexis and that the redhead embraced him with welcoming arms. “Maybe someday soon.”


	2. 5 PM Wedding

   “Beckett!”

   The cop’s head snapped up with pure hope on her face. “Castle!” She called for him over and over again struggling to maintain what little grip she had on the cement ledge. “Castle.”

   “Beckett.”

   The sound of the writer’s terrified voice barely made it through the loud roar of noise in her ears. How was he here? How did he know where to find her? She didn’t question it. Not when her fingers were slipping from the edge of the roof. “Castle!” No! No! No! Not like this! “Castle help!”

   “Beckett hang on!”

   “No!” Her left hand lost its grip completely the force throwing her arm back nearly making her lose her hold completely. Oh god! The prayer left her lips in a soft whisper as she looked helplessly at her right hand. A part of her felt like she was watching a movie in the safety of a movie theater watching the hero struggle to live. At least there she had a sense of comfort because they wouldn’t kill off the main character.  There was no such comfort here. She was going to die. Beckett had no more strength to try to pull herself up. There was no taking back the horrible things she said to her lover. No apologizing. No last I love you’s. How could she have let this happen? How could she have been so blinded by the need of justice to see the most wonderful thing in her life standing in front of her? Tears blurred her vision. There was nothing she could do. “Castle.”

   Just as her fingers completely lost their grip, familiar large hands grasped her by the wrist. The sudden stop in her decent stopped Beckett, her momentum sending her crashing face first into the side of the building. “Shit.” Beckett shot up her other arm to latch onto her lover’s wrist for dear life.

   “I got you, baby.” And he had no intention of letting her go. He was on his knees on the edge of the roof, in risk of falling himself if either of them made the wrong move. “No, no. Don’t look down. Keep your eyes on me, baby.”

    Beckett complied too afraid to speak in fear that any small movement. His face, his beautiful face, was laced with terror. Terror at the possibility of losing her. God, why did she hurt him again? And why did he keep coming back to save her? She sure in the hell didn’t deserve it.

   “Listen to me, Kate. I can’t you up on my own. So I need you to pull, okay.” Castle’s muscle was already straining under the full weight of the detective.

   Beckett kicked her feet against the wall using the leverage she gained to pull herself up. The trip to safety, only taking a few seconds, felt like days if not years for her. Only when she was surrounded by his arms did she felt safe. Clinging to the writer, she broke down into gut-wrenching sobs, “Castle.”

   “Shh. Shh. I got you. I got you.” He repeated the reassurance for both their sakes as he dragged her as far away from the ledge. Holding her close as humanly possible, he brushed her face from her hair as her hand made its way to his cheek. “Jesus Christ Kate.”

      Sobs tore through her, violently shaking her to the point her teeth were clanking together. She took solace in the familiar feel of his arms, his spicy amber scent, and the beautiful sound of his voice as she clenched his shirt in her first. Before she could even open her mouth to apologize, the man she loved was ripped from her arms. “Rick!” There Maddox was with Castle on his knees and a gun pointed at his head.

   “You’re a parasite, Detective Beckett.” Maddox sneered digging the barrel into the writer’s temple. “One that needs to be eradicated.”

   “Please!” Beckett reached helplessly towards her partner, “Please let him go. Take-.”

   “Kate.” Castle cut her off, his eyes calm and reassuring. The corner of his mouth lifted ever so slightly, “It’s all right. You’re safe that’s all the matters.”

   “His life for yours.” Maddox bargained, “The only way to guarantee you won’t be a problem again.”

   “No!” Risking Maddox turning the gun on her, Beckett lunged forward until she had Castle’s face in his hands. She wondered how he could remain so calm while she was reduced to relentlessly sobbing. There was no way she was going to let him take her place. No way that she would watch him die and have to go face Alexis and Martha to tell them his death was her fault. That if she had just listened to him in the first place then none of this would have happened. She stroked a hand down his cheek, “No you won’t do this. Take me.”

   “Kate-.”

   “Take me.” Beckett’s gaze shot to the gunman’s, “Let him go. You can kill me, take me to your employer, or whatever you want, but you have to let him go and promise never to come near him or his family. That’s the deal.”

   “Look at me. LOOK AT ME!” Castle waited until her teary gaze met his. “Go.”

   “You’re crazy if you think I’m going to just leave you, Rick.”

   “For once, please just do as I say.” Castle softly begged, “I’m your partner and this is what partner’s do.”

   There was anguish in his blue eyes. Anguish for her, for his daughter, and his mother. None for himself. Richard Castle the world’s most selfless man. “I can’t.”

   “Well,” Maddox yanked the writer out of her grasp again, “Looks like he’s made his choice.”

   The sound of the gunshot jolted Beckett awake in the early hours of the morning. Her heart was pounding like a freight train in her throat making it difficult to get a proper breath in. Pain rolled through her entire build. Beckett felt like there was something wrapped around her squeezing the life out of her. Even though somewhere deep in her brain recognized the signs of a panic attack, Beckett started to hyperventilate while ice began to churn through her veins.  

   Castle.

   Somehow she fought through the paralyzing fear to push herself up into a sitting position. The movement had her seeing spots. It was a better alternative to images of her nightmare. Her gaze drifted to the man sleeping next to her. There he was curled on his side with one hand resting under his head while the other was slightly outstretched towards her like he was touching her before her tousling threw it off. His handsome face was slack and his mouth was hanging open ever so slightly. His soft snore cut through the still silence. Safe. He was safe. They were safe. Maddox was in the wind hopefully dead in some ally leaving them in peace.

   Needing to reassure herself that he was real, that she was safe, Beckett picked up his large hand in hers and pressed it to her heart, over her scar. Slowly her breathing started to even out and the pressure on her body started to subside. It was amazing how quickly he could calm her even when he was awake. Usually, Castle would awake when she reassured herself this way, but considering the amount of stress they had gone through the night before doing last minute wedding things he was dead to the world. That was just fine her with her. She needed a moment to calm her breathing and collected her scattered thoughts. So, Beckett clutched Castle’s hand tighter to her chest, concentrating on the familiar weight. The texture felt through the shirt that pressed against the uneven skin. Focused on his warm and the sound of his breathing. Focused on the fact that he was safe and whole right beside her.

   “Kate?” Stirring awake, Castle shifted closer as he slowly opened his eyes. This hadn’t been the first time he had awakened to find his hand under her control. Beckett had explained it to him that when she needed to feel alive, to feel safe, she needed to feel his touch. To feel him. “Are you okay?”

   “Yes.” The word scarcely made it to the surface.

   “No, you’re not.” Fully awake now, Castle pushed himself up to get a proper look at her in the early morning sunlight. “You’re crying.”

   Beckett quickly wiped at her cheeks with her free hand not ready to let him go just yet. “Nightmare.”

   “About what?” Castle cradled her face in his hand. “About your shooting?”

   “No. No.” She took a calming breath and it backfired on her as she started to hyperventilate again. “Maddox he… He… you.”

   “Hey, it’s okay. You’re okay.” Even with his reassurance, Beckett was diving into his arms. He didn’t like the way she was trembling. It meant that this had been a bad one. So Castle gently started to rock her, “Just concentrate on breathing, baby. Match it to mind. That’s good.”

   God, she loved this man. He was so patient and kind and loving. Most men wouldn’t put up with her stubbornness or having their sleep disrupted or give her the number of chances as Castle has. He helped her through every sudden panic attack, every nightmare without one complaint no matter what time of day. “I’m sorry.” Beckett pressed her face to his chest, “I’m so sorry.”

   “Don’t apologize.” It was the same thing he told her every time. She had no control over when certain members gripped her. “Take as long as you need. I’m not going anywhere.”

   “Thank god for that.”

   “Want to talk about it?” Castle softly asked once her breathing returned to normal and her grip was less bruising.

   “No really.”

   “Okay.” He rested his chin on top of her head, “Still want to get married.”

   “Yes.” There was no hesitation in her answer.

   “Good.”

   Beckett wasn’t sure how long they stayed wrapped up in each other’s arms.  She was more than happy to spend the entire day just like this, listening to his strong and steady heartbeat. But they had a wedding to get to. Their wedding. The thought made her grin like an idiot.

   “What are you smiling at?”

   She drew away to look up at him, “Today is Saturday.”

   “Yes, it is.”

   “That means our wedding is today.”

   Delight filled his voice, “I believe you are corrected, detective.”

   “That means we’re getting married.” With Maddox and the horrible nightmare forgotten, Beckett shifted on to her knees so their mouths were mere inches apart. “In just a few short hours I will be Mrs. Richard Castle.”

   “Yes, yes you will.” The writer spoke with so much pride that it brought tears to her eyes. Some caught in his throat at the thought. After all these years through laughter and tears, they finally made it. “And how do you feel about that, soon-to-be Mrs. Castle?”

   She wrapped her arms around his neck brushing her lips over his, “Like the happiest woman alive.”

   “I love you, Kate Beckett.”

   “And I love you, Richard Castle. Now let’s go get married.”

O0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o

   “Kate if you don’t hurry up I think Writer Boy is going to have a heart attack.” From the window, Lanie could see Castle fidgeting relentlessly with his tie. The ME smiled and turned around, freezing when she saw her best friend. Beckett was simply stunning. “Oh, Kate you look like an angel.”

   Blushing, Beckett tucked a loose curl behind her ear, “Really?” It was a miracle that they were able to get the dress altered in time. In fact, the whole week had been just one miracle to get everything said and done.

     “Of course! I want to marry you!”

   “Lanie stop!” But she was laughing feeling completely happy. This hadn’t been the wedding she had in mind when she was a child, but now she wouldn’t have it any other way. The only thing that could have made it better was if Ryan and Esposito were here. Neither of them would come thinking the other would be here. A small twinge of sadness mixed with anger hit Beckett thinking about it. After all her actions caused the rift between the two partners.

   Sensing her friend’s distraction, Lanie smiled, “You’re mother had some good taste, girl.”

   “That she did,” Martha said entering the bedroom beaming. “Look at you. I believe you are the most beautiful bride I have ever seen.”

   “Thank you, Martha.”

   The redhead glanced at the ME, “Lanie, darling, could you just give us a minute?”

   “Of course.” Lanie hugged Beckett tight before giving her a kiss on the cheek, “I’ll just get your dad on stand by.”

   Beckett turned her attention back to her future mother in law, “Martha I want to tell you how grateful I am to you and to Alexis for…” Emotions caught in her throat, “For accepting me and for helping put this all together.”

   “And I want to thank you, for making my son and granddaughter so very happy.” Martha fiddled with a box in her hands before offering to Beckett, “I brought you something. In case you didn’t have anything blue.”

   Curious, the bride to be opened the box. A pair of the most exquisite sapphire drop earrings rested inside. Words suddenly became very hard to find. Finding a mother in Martha was just as unexpected as finding a daughter in Alexis and a best friend and love of her life with Castle. “Wow.”

   “Well put them on, Dear.” Martha followed to the mirror to watch Beckett put them on, “They were given to me by my mother to wear on my wedding day and her mother before. I know that it should be your mother here and I know I am a very poor substitute, but I want to tell you that I am so proud to call you my daughter. You’ve been such a wonderful woman to him. A wonderful mother to Alexis. You have proven the lengths that you would go for them.”

    “Martha.” Tears gathered in the corner of her eyes. Beckett fought them to keep from ruining her makeup that Lanie spent so much time applying. How could she even reply to that? Beckett didn’t know how to adequately explain that her family had saved her life. Castle was simply the best thing to happen to her life. Her life just wasn’t complete without the man or his wonderful daughter and eccentric mother. There was no telling where her life would be without them. Nor did she even want to think about it.

   “Here now.” Martha being Martha dabbed a silk handkerchief to catch the tears before they spilled over. “The earrings look stunning, My Dear. Only women of substance have worn these gems. They’ve been waiting, Katherine. For you.”

    Beckett lifted her gaze to meet Martha’s in the mirror. “I’m so honored, Martha. Thank you.”

   “You’re so very welcome, dear. Now we must get you downstairs and get you married.”

   “Martha.” Beckett stopped her before opening the door, “You’re anything but a poor substitute. I hope you know just how much I admire you. How much I love you.”

      “Now you’ve done it.” Martha used the handkerchiefs to stop her own tears, “I love you too. Now I’m going to go before we completely ruin our make-up.”

0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0

    “Ready Dad?”

   Alexis’s question snapped Castle out of his trance. Starring down the aisle wouldn’t make Beckett appear any faster. Ready didn’t even come close to it.  His gaze shifted to his daughter and a beaming smile crossed his face. His little girl looked absolutely beautiful dressed in her peach color dressed with her fiery hair twisted back into a braid. It was hard to admit how grown up she looked standing there in the afternoon sun at her back. “You look so beautiful, Alexis.”

   The redhead smiled as she reached over to fix his gray silk tie and smooth down the labels of his suit, “And you look dashingly handsome.”

   He caught her hands in his, “You know that you will always be my number one girl, right?”

   “I know that, Dad. I’m so happy that you found someone who loves not only you but your family and adds to the crazy instead of trying to calm it.” Emotions filled her voice and Alexis had to take a moment before she ruined her nicely applied makeup with tears. There had been a slight apprehension to losing her father to Beckett, but then Alexis realized that she wasn’t stealing him. Unlike Gina, the detective accepted gracefully the fact that she would have a piece of her father’s heart that no one would ever be able to take. Plus, Beckett had proven that she loved her like a daughter even going to the point of using her own body to protect her from Grey. Kate Beckett made her father truly happy and that was enough for Alexis. “You’re lucky you convinced her that marrying you was such a good idea.”

   “The reason for the shotgun wedding,” Martha verbal speculated joining her granddaughter at Castle’s side. “Quicker you get that ring on the finger means she has less time to figure out what’s she is getting herself into.”

   “Thanks for the boost of confidence, Mother.” Castle softly mutter making Jeremy chuckle. He sent the young man a silent glare and black haired boy suddenly became interested in the waves crashing into the shore. “I would never trick a woman into such a thing.”

   Martha beamed and kissed her son’s cheek, “I’m so proud of you, Richard, for finally finding true love.”

   “Took me a couple of tries.” Really, really bad tries.

   “But you never gave up,” Martha squeeze his arms, “and that’s what matters, my boy.”

   “It’s time.” Jeremy broke in before joining Alexis and Martha just off to the side of the writer. “Got the rings?”

   Panicked, Castle started feverishly patting all his pockets in a desperate search for the pieces of metal. They had to be here somewhere. Nothing could go wrong. Everything had to be perfect. Beckett deserved perfect. His heartbeat started to even out after he checked the inside breast pocket, “Yes.”

   “Smooth Dad.”

   The writer’s gaze snapped to the end of the aisle where Lanie was walking towards him the same smile she wore when she knew something was coming that he didn’t. That something being Beckett nine times out of then and this time was no different. Shortly after the ME took post just to the side of where Beckett would stand, the woman in question appeared on her father’s arm. Holy shit! This was actually happening. Kate freaking Beckett was just a handful of steps away wearing the most beautiful dress looking radiant and looking straight at him.  Good God she was perfect! How did get so lucky? How in the hell did he get this amazing woman to even like him let alone fall in love with him enough to want to spend the rest of her life with him?

   Someone made a noise behind him, but Castle just kept on staring as she started down the aisle towards him. His gaze flickered to Jim’s face for just a moment to check the state of the man. After all, he was giving his daughter away. Was he crying? Oh shit! Castle started to panic. Did Jim hate him? Castle prayed they were tears of joy because he couldn’t stand the thought if Jim saw them as a mistake. If he didn’t see that he loved her daughter more than life itself. What if Jim didn’t think he was good enough for her? What- Oh they were tears of joy! Thank the lord! Oh god, she was just nearly here. Okay, Castle ship shape. Don’t screw up. Nervously, he wiped his sweaty palm against his jacket struggling to rein in his scattered thoughts. A very hard task when the love of his life was about to marry him.

   As they grew closer, Beckett tightened her grip on her father’s arm. Not in resistance to they were walking towards, but an attempt to reassure him that it was all going to be okay. How could it not when she was about to marry the man her made her life completely? Who was looking at her right now like she was the only thing in the world that mattered? Beckett couldn’t help but smile when Jeremy leaned over to whisper something in the writer’s ear and Castle jolted slightly and closed his mouth. The smile never faded. This almost seemed too good to be true. To be here with the sea as a beautiful backdrop and with the people she loved most in the world. To be marrying Richard Freaking Castle. In fact, if it wasn’t for the feel of her father’s hand over hers Beckett would have sworn this would have all been a dream.

   “Richard.” Jim stopped after the last step and held out a hand to the writer, “Take good care of her.”

   Castle shook the hand, “You have nothing to worry about, Jim.”

   The older man smiled before turning to look at his daughter. She was beaming with a smile from ear to ear reminding him so much of her mother. “I love you, Katie.”

   “I love you too, Dad.” Beckett kissed his cheek.

   It was one of the hardest things that Jim ever had to do in his life. Step aside while another to let another man take his place in Beckett’s life.

   After handing over her flowers to Lanie, Beckett turned to face her soon to be husband, “Hi.”

   “HI!” There was a slight squeak in his voice so he cleared his throat and tried again, “Hi.”

   “Hi.”

   “You said that already.”

   “Did I?”

   “Oh, good heavens.” Martha’s voice broke in through their personal cloud, “At this rate you two won’t be married until after the sun goes down.”

   “Sorry.” Beckett felt the tips of her ears burn as she cast her glance towards the minister.

   “It’s quite all right.” The bald-headed man assured, “It is your day after all. If you’re ready, Kathrine, you can start.”

   With trembling hands, Beckett took the ring from Lanie putting all her concentration on not dropping the ring before she slid it onto her partner’s finger. When she looked up to find his eyes steady and full of love all of her nerves just went away. There was no reason for them because this was right. “From the moment I met you my life became extraordinary. You taught me to be my best self. To look forward to tomorrow's adventures. And when I was vulnerable, you were strong. I love you, Richard Castle.” Tears filled her voice as his look shifted into awe. She was barely holding it together and seeing tears in his beautiful blue eyes wasn’t helping matters. “And I want to live my life in the warmth of your smile and the strength of your embrace. I promise you, I will love you. I will be your friend and your partner in crime and in life.”

   Castle reached down to take her hand in his, his hands no longer sweating or trembling as he slid the thing band home on Beckett’s finger. There was no attempt to clear his voice of emotions or blink back his tears before he spoke. “The moment we met, my life became extraordinary. You taught me more about myself than I knew there was to learn. You are the joy in my heart. You're the last person I want to see every night when I close my eyes. I love you, Katherine Beckett.” She smiled at him through the tears and his heart melted.  “And the mystery of you is the one I want to spend the rest of my life exploring. I promise to love you; to be your friend and your partner in crime and in life. Until death do us part. And for the time of our lives.”

   She smiled, “Always.”

   And Castle mirrored it with one of his own, “Always.”

   “By the power invested in me.” The minister smiled at the couple, “I now pounce you, husband and wife.”

   Castle didn’t wait for the man to finish before he kissed his new bride, their laughter muffling together as their lips met. There was some clapping and maybe some cheering, but none of it registered. All he could focus on was the feel of his wife’s arms around him. His wife. Smile against her mouth, Castle wrapped his arm around her waist, her right hand going to his chest while the other pressed against the nape of his neck as she twisted and dipped her back.

   Holding on tight, Beckett threw her head back laughing as he rained kissed all over her face. All too soon, she was back upright but didn’t let him go. “I love you.”

   Castle pressed his face to her neck as he swayed them in a slow circle while their family cheered, “I love you so much, Kate.”

   “Remember there is an audience,” Lanie called out finally getting the happy couple to spate even if it was a few inches.

   Alexis was the first open to reach them and threw her arms around the pair, “Congratulations.” She kissed her father’s cheek then Beckett’s, “I so happy for you both.”

   Beckett freed one of her hands to touch it to Alexis’s cheek, “That means the world to me, Lexis. I love you.”

   Tears shined in the girl’s blue eyes, “I love you too, Kate.”

   Soon the small party broke out the champagne starting the small celebration they had set up just on the back porch of the house. Beckett had gone back to the arch to look out at the ocean. The sun was starting to sink casting a beautiful glow on the water and waves as they crashed into the sand. She curled her left hand tracing her thumb over the underside of the two rings on her finger. She was married. She was Mrs. Richard Castle. Beckett closed her eyes on a deep breath to just take it all in. The whole week had been a wind whirl of planning that she hadn’t really had the chance just to stop to let everything sink in. People might have thought her crazy for rushing to the altar, but Beckett never felt happier, more content in her life.  

   “Having second thoughts already?”

   Beckett turned towards the sound of her husband’s voice and smiled. He looked handsome in his simple black suit with his tie tugged a bit lose and the top button undone exposing the base of his throat. She had a sudden urge to lay her lips in that very spot. “You can’t get rid of me now, Castle. Even if you wanted too.”

   “Never.” Smiling, Castle joined her as he took out his phone from the inside pocket of his suit jacket. He answered her question glare by pressing a button and started to play their song. “So Mrs. Castle, Can I have this dance?”

   Beckett waited for him to pocket the phone before sliding her hand into his, “Of course, Mr. Castle.”

   The writer spun her into a slow sway an arm around her waist to hold her close as possible while he cradled their joint hands over his heart. The words of the song lifted in the air and wrapped around them creating a cocoon of peacefulness and love. The lyrics fit perfectly. This woman was in his heart, in his veins, and never did he ever want her to get her out. He wanted nothing more to stay like this with her in his arms until the end of time. “I know this wasn’t how you planned…”

   “No.” Beckett lifted her head from his shoulder to smile up at him, “It’s perfect. Everything is perfect.”

   Smiling, he ran his thumb over the rings on her finger before lifting them up to his lips. Castle savored the way the tips curled to brush against his skin leaving a trail of fire in their wake. “I feel like this is all a dream. That I will wake up and find you gone.”

   She nuzzled his nose, “I’m not going anywhere, Castle. There is nothing in my life more important than you and our family. I lost sight of that.” She still felt ashamed to admit that, “When I was hanging off that ledge all I could think about was you. I didn’t care that Maddox got away. All I cared about was seeing your face again so I can take back what I said and beg you never to let me go.”

   “I never will.” Castle vowed, “I promise you that no matter what I will come after you even if you are the one pushing me away. Always.”

   That simple word held so much meaning between them and branded each other’s rings followed by their initials. A small reminder for them to carry with them every day.

   “Mind if I have a dance with my daughter?” Jim broke in.

   Castle drew away, kissed her hand one more time, and smiled at his father in law. “Of course. I’ll go see if I can guilt a dance out of my own daughter.”

   Though there was no music, Jim dance with his daughter, “You look so beautiful, Katie.”

   A smile split across her face, “Thanks, Dad.”

   “When I first saw you in the dress I thought I was looking at your mother.” Emotions had him stuttering for a moment, “She would be so proud of you.”

   Tears burned her vision, Beckett quickly blinked them away. Today was a happy day so she wouldn’t be sad. “I missed her today.”

   “I know, Katie.” Jim held her tighter, “She would have loved all of this. Loved Rick and Alexis. Would have been completely baffled by Martha but would have been completely taken away by her.”

   “I want her to be proud of me.” Damn it. A tear slipped past her guard and Beckett rushed to wipe it away.

   “She would be proud of you.” Jim curled a finger under his daughter’s chin and lifted until her teary gaze met hers, “She is proud of you.”

   “Even if I don’t bring her justice?” She had come to terms with her choice of walking away from the job and her mother’s case, but that didn’t mean that the thought wasn’t there in the back of her mind. Catching her mother’s killer had been the driving force in her life for so long that Beckett was still struggling to find out who she was without it.

   His eyes softened, “Kate, your mother would never want you to give up living your life for that. I know that catching responsible was the reason you became a cop and I know that by diving into the bottle that I wasn’t the support system that you needed. Listen.” He insisted with a sharp tone making his daughter close her mouth she opened to interrupt. “I wasn’t there for you as a father should have been for their child when they’ve lost their mother. It caused you so much pain and knowing that is something I have to live with for the rest of my life. Nothing I can do can make up for that last time, but know that I am proud of the woman you are and what you have chosen to do with your life. Your mother would too, but she would want you to be happy. To live your life to the fullest and not let her death stop you from things like finding love, getting married, having kids, and doing a job that you love.”

   Her father’s drinking had been a dark period in both their lives. Treating each other badly and seeing each other at their worst. A lot of effort was put into repairing their relationship though it never went back to what it once was. Something that Beckett figured wasn’t really possible to achieve. That didn’t stop them from trying. “I don’t want you to be disappointed in me.”

   “You can never disappoint me, Katherine. Look at all that you’ve accomplish with your job. At how many people and families that you’ve helped. And that.” Stopping, Jim pointed to where Castle was trying to cut in the dance between Alexis and Jeremy. Martha and Lanie were enjoying each other’s company over champagne. Everyone was happy. Love shined on each face because they were a family. “You found this beautiful family. You found a man who loves you and became a mother to an outstanding young woman when she needed it most. How can you ever disappoint me?”

   Not knowing what to say, she looked to the family that she had found in possibly the darkest period of her life. If not for them Beckett shuttered where she would be. Mostly likely dead by the shadows she was chasing. Yes getting justice for her mother would be something she always wanted, but her father was right. Her mother wouldn’t want her to miss out on life because of her. “I should go see if I can help Castle out.”

   Jim released her with a smile.

   Beckett could hear Alexis giving Castle a hard time as she grew closer. Castle was doing his best not to be offended by his daughter’s refusal to dance. Only if he looked closer then he would see the glint of humor in her eyes. She swooped in, “So I think since it’s my wedding day I should get to dance with the most handsome man here.”

   “Hey!” Her new husband protest.

   Blushing, Jeremy sputtered a bit before relinquishing his hold on the redhead, “Umm okay. Only if it’s okay with Alexis.”

   “That is a good answer! I sense hope in you, young one.” Castle grabbed his daughter before any more could be said leaving Beckett laughing.

0o0o0o0o0o0oo0o0o0

   Turning out the last light downstairs, Beckett made her way up the stairs for the night. The small wedding party had left to give the newlyweds some time alone. Something that Beckett was very grateful for. The whole week flew by in a blur leaving her very little time to process everything. The fact she was married caused a jolt. Her husband awaited her just a few feet behind the bedroom door. Mrs. Richard Castle. That wasn’t something she expected when she first met the writer. Smiling, Beckett pushed opened the door and stopped dead in her tracks.

    Candles littered the room casting it in a wonderful warm glow. Castle stood in the middle, his tie loosened around his neck and the button of his shirt half undone, surveying the room to check his handy work.

   “Rick?”

   “Kate!” He whirled around stunned momentarily again by how stunning she looked in her dress. His heart jumped straight into his throat, “Hi.”

   Laughing, Beckett closed the distance between them tugging on the ends of his tie, “Hi.”

   “Everyone gone?”

   “Yes.”

   He skimmed his fingers over her bare shoulders, “Have I told you how amazing you look, Mrs. Castle.”

   “Yes.” The way his fingers moved up her throat had her blood humming. “But I don’t mind hearing it again.”

   Her voice was heavy and Castle could hear her breath quicken. He put all his concentration in resisting the urge to drag his wife to the bed and lose himself in her. Not just yet. They had all weekend. “Dance with me.”

   The request baffled her, “What?”

   “Well, we haven’t had many opportunities to dance together.” Castle drew her close, “I like the way it feels when we move together.”

   They did it so well. There was no music this time, but their bodies molded together moving as one. Beckett slid her hands up his chest taking her time before hooking them around his neck. The way he felt, his reaction to her touch and the electricity charging between them, made it feel like their first time together. “Dancing is always most enjoyable with the right partner.”

   “Partners in crime.” He echoed brushing his thumb over the corner of her smiling mouth.

   “And in life.” Content, Beckett rested her head against his chest. “For the time of our lives.”

  

 

  


	3. 8 AM Honeymoon

   “Wait! Wait!” Castle snagged his wife by the waist before Beckett could walk into the loft. “I’ve got to carry you over the threshold.”

   “Castle please no. It’s-.” Squealing, Beckett latched her arms around his neck as he lifted her nearly effortlessly up into his arms. “You’re being ridiculous.”

   “Humor me.”

   Beckett waited until they were in the foyer before asking to be let down and the writer graciously complied. “It’s quiet.” Sure enough, the loft was empty. Beckett at least expected Martha to be here to badger them about their weekend. Not that she was too eager to be answering those questions.

   Castle brought their bags inside before closing the door, “Mother is off to Paris for the week. To give us a little breathing room.”

   “She’s never done that before.”

   “Well umm.” Rubbing the back of his neck, Castle adverted his gaze, “Let’s just say that previous women in my life weren’t really as understanding as you when it comes to our relationship. I know she can be a bit much.”

   Beckett didn’t get a chance to answer being cut off by the sharp knock on the door. She answered it, “Ryan?”

   The male detective looked up from the folder he held obviously looking very conflicted about something. “Hi.” His gaze swept back and forth between the newlyweds. “Congratulations. I guess I should apologize.”

   “What are you doing here?” Castle softly wondering having a sickening feeling about what the man held.  It seemed the bubble of oblivion was about to be popped. He knew that they wouldn’t be able to ignore things for too long. Thought that didn’t stop the writer from hoping.

   Ryan let himself in, “I found something.”

   “Uh, Ryan? No. No.” Beckett followed him to the counter but resisted the information he was offering. There had to be an end to this before someone she loved got hurt or killed. If she went down this path again there was no way she could pull herself back out. “I resigned, remember.”

   “I hope this isn’t because of Gates.” Ryan looked pained thinking about his actions, “Or what I did.”

   “Look, Ryan.” Stay strong. Don’t give in. Just get him and the file out of here and everything would be okay. She rubbed her thumb the band on her finger, “I get it. You were trying to keep us safe.”

   “I still am. And this guy that threw you off the roof, he’s still out there.”

   Castle caught Beckett’s shoulder tensing and his heart dropped straight into his stomach. She was starting to cave. He could see her fighting it so he stepped in, “Hey Ryan.”

   Ryan’s earnest gaze didn’t leave Beckett’s, “I know what this case has done to you. I’m not asking you to jump right back in. I just want to show you something.” Not waiting for anyone’s permission, Ryan opened the folder and slid a photo across the counter. “We found a copy of the photo Maddox took from the wedding album. You’re familiar with the guys that Roy ran with back in the day. Is he one of them?”

   She hesitated before finally looking down to study it, “I’ve never seen him before.” Now tell Ryan to take the file and just go away. Tell him to leave so she could just live her life in peace with the man she loved.

   “I have,” Castle confessed and regretting it instantly. He just opened the door to the rabbit hole, “This is the man I told you about. The one who’s been keeping you safe. He’s older not, but’s it’s definitely him.”

   Ryan frowned, “What are we talking about?”

   Castle waited until Beckett looked up at him, “Whatever information Montgomery gave him, he’s been using it to protect you. But now they’ve sent Maddox to him down and get it back. If we don’t get to him before Maddox does you’ll never be safe again.” His worst nightmare come true. Nothing he could do now could protect her from the big bad wolf. If Maddox found Mr. Smith then he was going to be gunning for his wife next.

   The two males talked back and forth with each other trying to figure out just how to find the man in the photo. Beckett did her best to withdraw from the conversation to keep herself out of it. She could feel her feet shifting over the muddy walls of the rabbit hole. “This was supposed to be over,” Beckett whispered once the detective was gone. Her eyes instantly found his, “I can’t go back. I can’t do this, Rick.”

   Nor did he really want to. They had their back to the wall with no choice but to go after the shadow. “We don’t have a choice. If Maddox gets to him before we do.”

   “I don’t know how to do this.” Her voice wavered, “I’m not even a cop anymore.”

   The writer held up the photo, “We’re going to figure out who this is. We’ve don’t it before with less to go on. And after we so, we just lay all of this to rest and go back to where we were.”

   “Rick.”

   “We just go on with our lives, Kate. Whatever you want to do or go, we’ll do it. I just have to keep you safe and I can’t do that if Maddox is still out there. We can do this, Kate. I’m with you this time. I’ll stop you from going down the hole.”

   “Okay.”

   “So, what do we know? We know this guy is about 60. He’s a long time New Yorker. Uh … friends with Montgomery, so he might have connections to law enforcement.” Castle stared down at the photo hoping something else would pop out at him. Right now his mind was just running a million miles an hour that it was hard.

    Beckett hesitated for a moment, “He seems prominent. Wealthy.”

   “That’s right. And has been that way ever since this photo was taken.”

   Her brow rose, “How do you know that?”

   “The watch he is wearing. It’s was ten grand when it came out in 1981. That’s the year Montgomery was married. May of 1981. How many of these watches could have possibly been sold in five months?”

   Oh god, they really could do this. They could put an end to this nightmare once and for all. Beckett smiled, “Let’s find out.”

0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o

    After hours of researching and going back and forth with Ryan over the phone, they found their Mr. Smith. Only by the time they got there, it was too late. Maddox had found Michael Smith before they could. Castle was now tearing through the man disheveled office looking for anything in relation to the damn number eight six. That was the only thing he could get out of Smith before the EMT’s wheeled him away. Having no clue what that meant, Castle just starting tearing everything apart. They had to find the file before Maddox decided to come back and take another look. Ryan already had a protection detail on their way to stand guard outside Smith’s hospital room.

   Beckett stopped searching. Her husband was persistently going through drawer after drawer, desperation etched on every inch of his face. They had been at this for a half an hour and found nothing. Soon the crime scene unit would be here and they would be out of time. Her hand shot out to his arm, “We need to go.”

   “The answer’s got to be here.” Shaking her off, he pulled open another drawer, “It’s somewhere here.”

   “Castle, there is nothing left to find. 86 could mean anything. You’re just grasping at straws!”

   “Of course I’m grasping at straws.” He kicked the drawer closed after coming up empty once again. God damn it! What was he missing? Finding this file was like finding a needle in a haystack. “Cause if that file is one that means they’re coming after you and there’s absolutely nothing I can do. So yes, if there is a straw, I’m grasping onto it until I have nothing left. I won’t lose you, Kate.”

   “If we don’t get out of here before uniforms arrive than they’re going to arrest us for breaking and entering.”

   “Wait!” Castle snatched at a stack of papers that had fallen out of the drawer. The answer they had been searching for was staring him in the face. “I got it. He owns property in lower Manhattan. 86 Markwell Street. This is it.”

   Beckett shook her head, “Rick.”

   Castle caught her face between his hands, his touch firm and desperate. “I won’t let anything happen to you, do you understand. I love you and will do everything I can to protect you. Anything.” Even if that meant laying down his life. There was no way he was going to lose her. Not now. Not ever.

   The intensity in his voice had her fighting back a wave of tears. It wasn’t her life that she worried about, but his and his family. These people wouldn’t just go after her. They would go after those she couldn’t live without. Walking away was the best option. The safest one. Beckett knew that if she did than Castle would pursue this on his own to protect her. “Let go check it out.”

0o0o0o0o0o0o

   “Ten floors.” Castle huffed starring up the stars with displeasure. Why did he think that this would be easy? He ducked under a trap left by the construction crew. The place was in the middle of getting gutted out. “I mean how hard is it going to be to find a file in all this?”

   Hearing the lightness in his voice helped eased the ball of tension in Beckett’s stomach. “Hey.” She brushed her hand over his arm, “Thank you.”

   He arched a brow, “For what? We haven’t found anything.”

   “I just know that I would have never gotten this far if it wasn’t for you.”

   “Hey, we’re going to get this done.” The smile he received made him feel like he could leap a tall building. She believed in him and knowing that he knew without a doubt that they could accomplish anything. “So we can assume that Mr. Smith is a smart man and wouldn’t put it in a place that the crew would tear out. So the interior rooms, walls, and ceilings are ruled out.”

   “Over here.” Beckett caught sight of a group of mailboxes in a nearby wall. She found the name Smith instantly and felt a spring of hope start to form. “He had an office.”

   A gun cocking behind them had the newlyweds turning.

   Maddox smiled, “That is very helpful information. Turn around.” The writer moved to block his advance. Growling, Maddox pointed the barrel of the gun flush against his chest, “Don’t be a hero. I would hate to have to kill you in front of your new wife.”

   Beckett gripped the shoulder of Castle’s jacket, “Please.” There was no way she could handle seeing him hurt. “Rick.”

   Castle set his jaw but complied.

   Maddox snatched the weapon tucked in Beckett’s waistband. “You just don’t know when to quit, do you?”

   Castle tried to keep track of Maddox movements. There was a sort of rustling noise that he was trying to pinpoint. “You got him to tell you where the file was.”

   “Only that it was in a floor safe.”

   Beckett was trying to calculate how in the hell they could hope to escape this situation. Maddox was securing zip ties around her wrist after he had finished with Castle. Now their chances had dipped away from their favor. “You didn’t kill him in case you couldn’t find it.”

   “And once I do find it,” Maddox leaned in to whisper into her ear, “I’m going to settle our account, Detective.”

   God damn it to hell! The room that Maddox shoved them had only one door and he locked it behind him. Looking around, Beckett found no other way out. Even if there was they couldn’t do much with their hands zipped tied behind their backs. Castle starts rambling leading her to close her eyes in order to concentrate on just how the hell they get out of this one. Maybe their luck finally ran out.

   “Castle, how tight are your zip ties?”

   He tried to wiggle his hands, “Very.”

   _Okay. Think._ Beckett tried her own hands and came up with the same result, “Do you have anything sharp in your pocket.” He hesitated not giving her the utmost confidence. “Like a knife.”

   “No.”

   “Nail clippers.”

   “No…” Castle jerked his head in her direction, “Who carries nail clippers.”

   “Do you have keys?”

   “It’s remote.” His gaze settled on something over his partner’s shoulder, “There’s a drywall screw!”

   Beckett sighed, “That’s not going to help.”

   “I beg to differ. Turn around.” He does the same so he can reach the zip ties around Beckett’s wrist. Carefully, he began to saw at the plastic. After a minute or two, he realized he was getting nowhere. “I’m barely making a dent in this thing.”

   “Castle.” Her voice hitched causing him to stop, “I hear footsteps.”

   “Man if we get murdered right now I’d feel so ripped off.” A handful of days of being married wasn’t what he had in mind when he said death do us part. No, they were supposed to grow old with each other and sit on a porch to watch their grandkids play. Not end up shot in some room that looked straight out of Dexter.

   “Me too.” Beckett turned to face him wishing more than anything she could touch him. “I’m sorry. This is all my fault, Castle.”

   He shushed her by laying his brow against hers, “I’m glad I’m with you, Kate.”

    There was no way she could stop the tears from falling, “I love you.”

   “How do you two keep getting into situations in this?”

   Having not heard the door open, Castle jerked back at the sound of a familiar voice. He could have wept for joy, “Esposito!”

   The detective cocked his head to the side as if considering their situation, “This is quite the sketchy place to spend your honeymoon. Congratulations by the way. Sorry, I couldn’t come, but I’ve got a wedding present for you.”

    “A knife?” Beckett asked hopefully.

   “Not just that.” Esposito cut both of them loose, “I got the complete rundown of our friend Maddox from an old army friend that owed me a favor. Uniforms spotted his car outside the building. Wasn’t sure why he was here, but then I saw your car and figured you two found a way to get yourself in some sort of trouble.”

   “Your faith in us is so uplifting, Esposito,” Castle muttered but understood how the detective could get to the conclusion. He and Beckett didn’t have the best track record when they ran off on their own.

    “You got a backup piece, Espo?” Beckett asked once they got near the destination. Maddox would be ready for them. She accepted the gun he pulled from his ankle, “Castle stay close behind me.”

   Castle didn’t argue.  He hugged the wall as the two cops worked together silently to cover each other’s flanks. Peeking around the corner, he could see Maddox kneeling in the center of the floor working on cracking the safe open meaning that the man’s gun wouldn’t be in his hands.

   Beckett rushed into the room with her gun aimed square at Maddox’s head, “Don’t move. Don’t even breathe or I’ll blow your head off.”

   Maddox slowly raised his hands in the air to show that they were empty, “You’re running the show, Detective Beckett.”  

   Ever so slowly, she edged closer into the room with Esposito at her side and Castle lingering by the door. Maddox managed to get the safe open and a single file was lying in the middle so close that Beckett could touch it. She struggled to keep her head clear, “Head me the folder. Slowly.”

   What happened next was so fast that Castle didn’t have time to process everything. One moment, Beckett was reaching out to take the file and the next Esposito was dragging her out of the room. Castle stumbled when she crashed into him, but at least he had a half of mind to keep moving. Wrapping his arms around his wife, Castle slammed them against the wall turning to shield her body with his as the blast exploded through the threshold. The force of it knocked threw them to the ground like rag dolls.

   “Kate.” Coughing, he eased up off her to look down. “Kate!”

   “I’m okay.” She crocked trying to purge the smoke from her lungs. “I’m okay.”

   Far from convinced, Castle looked for himself finding. The ends of the strand of her hair and the tail of her jacket were a bit toasty, but otherwise just fine. “God Kate.” He lowered his brow to his trying to control his breathing. “Too close.”

   “The file.” A single tear slid down her ash covered cheek, “It’s gone.”

   “So is Maddox.” Esposito stood stunned looking into the room.

0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o

    Silently, Castle unlocked the door and lead Beckett inside amazed that just the morning they were being idiots as he carried her over the threshold. Why couldn’t this damn case just leave them in peace? Every time they achieved some sort of happiness it was there to drag them back into the darkness. At least they could live knowing that they were safe from Maddox. Castle just prayed that it would stay like that.

    “Why do you two look like you just came back from a funeral and not a honeymoon?” Alexis’s voice jarred the two out of their thoughts.

   Castle recovered first, “Alexis, what are you doing here?”

   The redhead stepped out from the kitchen, “well I wanted to see you two. What’s wrong? And don’t think about lying to me. I can see it in your faces.”

   Beckett closed her eyes on a sigh. Lying to her stepdaughter would keep her safe and even though it would piss Alexis off Beckett still wanted to do. She just couldn’t. She promised Alexis honestly a long time ago. “You know about my mother’s case?” Beckett opened her eyes to find Alexis nodding and Castle wide-eyed with shock. “About two weeks ago the man who shot me because of how close I was getting to uncovering just what happened that night surfaced.”

   “What?” Alexis angrily demanded, “You didn’t tell me?”

   “Only to keep you safe.” Castle stepped in to defend the choice they made. “Dangerous people are involved, Lexis. We didn’t want to put you in harm’s way by knowing anything about this.”

   “What happened then? Before today?” Alexis turned her attention back to Beckett.

   Beckett dragged a hand through her disheveled hair, “Let’s just say it ended with me turning in my badge.” She held up her hand before the young woman could go off the handles. “The case made me realize what was important and that’s my family.”

    “I made a deal with a man to keep her safe,” Castle explained, “as long as she didn’t investigate her mother’s murder than she would be safe. This man had a file as insurance. A file that he threatened whoever is behind this to release if any harm came to her.  The shooter surfaced today and lead us to the file.”

   “That’s a good thing right?”

   “No,” Beckett corrected coming close to tears again. “The safe it was in was rigged to blow. It’s gone and so is the shooter.”

   Alexis took a moment to process everything, “But doesn’t that mean that you’re safe? Both the file and the man are gone.”

   “Honestly I do not.” And that didn’t settle well with Beckett. How could she protect the ones she loved if she didn’t know what was coming for who? Didn’t know who was coming for her and just how high this went. “Where is Jeremy?”

   “Class,” Alexis answered.

   “Listen, Ryan put two cars on the building. I’m going to send one with you to go pick him up and I want you to come straight back here. I don’t want you staying at my old apartment.” Beckett instructed in a tone that didn’t leave very much room from argument from either Castle. “I need to know your safe.”

   “I’ll go now.” The redhead picked up her purse from the kitchen counter before hugging her stepmother tight. “Be safe.”

   No sooner had Alexis left there was another knock on the door. Standing in the hall was Ryan and Esposito looking rather uncomfortable in each other’s company. Castle glanced at the bag that the Irish detective held, “What is that?”

   Ryan shifted, looking at his partner a moment before answering almost as if he was afraid to speak. “I waited until Gates left and gathered as much I could.” The bag was filled to the brim with bits and pieces of paper. “It’s from the file. I gathered as much I could.”

   “Doesn’t make up for selling us out.” Esposito entered on a grumble.

   Beckett saw the way Ryan’s face crumbled at the comment. Their partnership had never been this strained before.  She hoped that it wasn’t beyond repair, “Come in. I’ll make some coffee. I have a feeling that we are going to need it.”

   What seemed like a year later, Castle rolled his neck and flexed his shoulders in hope to drive the ache away from being hunched over for so long. The contents of the bag scattered across the top of the dining room table trying to find names, places, or anything that could give them a good lead. Each person worked on a different section, but after five hours no one had really gotten very far. The hope of finding something depleted with each passing minute.

   “All I’ve got is something the size of a playing card. And it’s blank.” Esposito threw his tweezers down in defeat.

   Ryan seemed in agreeance with his estranged partner, “I’ll I’ve got is a bank statement. I balance summary.”

   That caught Castle’s attention and he leaned over to look for himself, “Flip it over.” He picked it up after, “It’s a money order.”

   “Could be a payoff.” Ryan speculated.

   Hope started to form again and Beckett latched onto, “All of this started when Montgomery and his cop buddies started kidnapping mobsters for money. And we know someone found out and demanded a cut of that money.”

   “The same person that is in that file and he or she doesn’t want it to get out.” Castle jumped in on his wife’s train of thought.

   Esposito was still working feverishly on the random pieces of paper at his end of the table, “I got the back of that money order. These digits have to be the account that it was deposited in.”

   Ryan shot to his feet and took off towards Castle’s office, “Javi you still got that password for the banking database? The one used on our investigation of the dirty bomb.”

   “Sure do.”

   Beckett leaned over Esposito’s shoulder watching the male detective do his thing to get to the database they were looking for. Her stomach started to knot. Whoever owned this account belonged to the person who killed her mother. She felt a moment of apprehension. In one click her life mission would become one step closer to being complete.

   After what felt like ages, Esposito looked up from the screen with his brow furrowed, “The account was closed about 19 years ago and belongs to a man named William H. Bracken.”

   The name stuck something in Beckett’s memory. Why did it sound so familiar? Her gaze caught the stack of mail sitting on the edge of the desk and dove through it for a mailer. Her heart sank straight to her stomach, “You mean Senator William Bracken?”

00o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o

    Castle sighed wishing there was something more he could do for his wife. Beckett’s gaze was glued to Bracken image on the TV as he pitched himself for the future president. God help them all if that ever came to be. Their talk with Smith provided them with more questions than answers and the bastard died before they could even attempt to get them. Bracken was protected. That was the key thing given to them by Smith. The money Bracken received from the ransom was the money he used to fund his first political campaign. A secret that Bracken wanted to keep hidden. A secret worth killing for. Over and over again. The file was gone. Maddox was gone. And Bracken was free as a bird and most likely gunning for the Beckett. Castle felt helpless.

   Beckett paused the screen to study the face of the man who had her mother killed. “I finally figured out who it was.” Her voice cracked with the emotions she couldn’t hold back, “I figured it out and there is nothing I can do about it.”

   “Ryan said the cameras outside of Smith’s room were disabled when he flat lined.” Not wanting to see it anymore himself, Castle switched off the TV. He could hear Alexis and Jeremy's laughter coming from the kitchen giving him a sense of comfort for just a moment they were all safe.

   “So that means they’re coming for me.”

   “There are two units stationed outside the building.”

   “What about tomorrow?” Beckett softly asked finally looking up at him, “And the next day? And the day after that?”

    Castle took her hands and pressed them to his heart, his thumb stroking the cool metal on her finger. “We’re in this together, Kate. Whatever happens, we will deal with it together.”

   “What about your safety? Alexis’s?”

   “Let me take you somewhere, Kate. Somewhere you’ll be safe.”

   “I’ll never be safe, Castle.” And that’s what scared her the most.

   A soft knock on the door drew the couple away as Alexis stuck her head through the cracked door. “Hey.” The redhead knew the mood was somber and tried her best to ease it. She knew not to pry, “Dinner is ready if you guys are up for joining.”

   Beckett turned her face so she could swipe at her tears before her stepdaughter could see them. “Yeah.” She did her best to smile, “That sounds great.”

    “We’ll figure this out.” Castle didn’t know if he could uphold his promise, but damn if he wasn’t going to use his last breath to keep it.

   The promise echoed in Beckett’s head as she looked at her husband’s sleeping form in the bed they had shared for almost a year now. Looking at him sprawled on his back, his arm crossed carelessly over his chest, and his mouth hanging slightly opened to let out a soft snore every now and again, Beckett realized just how much loving him changed her life. For the better. God she loved him. She didn’t even think it was possible to love someone so much. Now that she knew, Beckett was going to do everything possible to preserve it. To protect it. Even if that meant crossing Castle in a way that he might never forgive. She told herself that it would be worth it. Keeping him and this family safe was all that mattered.

   Fully dressed including her holster, Beckett took one last look at Castle before silently slipping out of the bedroom. It hardly came as a surprise to see that Jeremy had abandoned his post at the couch sometime during the night. Made it all the easier to sneak out without being detected. She paused at the front door. A battle waged inside her. A battle of logic and emotion. The moment she walked out the door, she had to accept the fact that she risked losing never seeing Alexis, Castle, or Martha ever again.

   “Kate?”

   Beckett looked over her shoulder, “Good thing you woke up before Castle caught you.”

   Jeremy smiled, “I set an alarm. Where are you going so early?”

   “I umm.” She racked her brain for a good lie, but in the end, went with the truth. “There is something that I need to do.”

   He glanced towards the office, “with you, Rick?”

   “He’ll do anything to protect me.”

   “That’s what you do when you love someone.”

   Getting a lecture from an almost twenty-year-old on the facts of love was not how Beckett pictured this all going. “I’m trying to protect him. Protect all of you from my demons. This is the only way that I can do it. Promise me you won’t tell him.” The younger man set his jaw and Beckett could see him working it through his mind. “Promise me, Jeremy.”

   “I’ll only promise that I won’t wake them up the moment you gone.” Jeremy compromised, “But once they wake up I won’t lie to them.”

   “Fair enough.”

   “Be careful, Kate. You’re are precious to a lot of people.”


	4. 11 PM Loss

   They say the first year of marriage was the hardest. Survive that and survive anything. They didn’t even make it past the first week. It seemed from the moment Ryan showed up on their doorstep their lives had been thrown off balance. Beckett was still struggling to process the events of the last few days. First, she had a beautiful wedding and spent the following few days in pure bliss with her new husband. Then they returned home to Ryan dangling a carrot for her to dive back into the rabbit hole of her mother’s case. She tried to resist, she really did, but in the end, took it. After nearly being blown to pieces, she knew the person behind her killer. Looked him in the eye as he tried to explain why. Then Beckett took control of her life back and threatened the Senator with an imaginary file that was in a pile of scrap on the dining room table. Bartering for the safety of her life and that of her family was the only satisfaction she could get. There would be no arrest until there was hard evidence connecting the Senator to the conspiracy of her mother’s death.  Protecting Castle was just as important if not more than an arrest.

   Her actions caused tension with her husband. Didn’t help that she snuck off in the middle of the night to seek out Bracken. It wasn’t like Beckett didn’t trust him because she did with her life, but knew that if he came then he would do anything to keep her safe. Even the protection of his body. His life. That was something she wasn’t willing to risk. Having such an intense argument with Castle wasn’t something she wanted to experience just a handful of days after their wedding. In the end, Beckett garnered his forgiveness though it was the last thing she deserved.  

    Wanting to put the last couple days behind them, the newlyweds figured the best way was just to sleep it off in hope for a better one tomorrow. Only they didn’t make through the night before the universe threw them for another loop. Beckett awoke just before midnight with agonizing pain in her stomach and in a pool of blood between her legs. Her blood.  Three hours later at the hospital, the sun barely peeking through the clouds, the couple was informed that Beckett suffered a miscarriage.

   Dazed, Beckett walked into the loft carelessly dropping her coat as she went. Castle silently moved behind her locking the door and picking up after her. He hadn’t said much on the ride home and Beckett spent the entire time wondering if that was a good or a bad thing. It seemed the news hadn’t really made it's way full through Beckett’s mind. Some cramps and blood and just like that the life growing inside her was gone. A life she didn’t know about. A life created out of the love she shared with Caste.  A life that she wanted without knowing it.

   Castle guided his wife to the couch worried about her glazed over stare, “Can I-I…” He licked his lips, “Talk to me, Kate.”

   “I lost it.” Her voice sounded so far away.

   “It wasn’t your fault.” Castle explained just like the doctors tried to do at the hospital.

   It didn’t matter. Beckett could hear it a thousand different ways and she would still see it as her fault. What the hell happened? Just a few short days ago life was perfect. She married the love of her life, become a stepmother to a brilliant kid, and was looking forward to her happy life. All so perfect and destroyed in a blink of an eye over a bit of pain and blood.

   “Don’t.” Beckett jerked from the touch she loved so much, “Don’t touch me.”

   “Kate please don’t pull away.” Tears burned the back of his throat as she stood. He had to stop her from reverting back to the woman she was when they first met. They had to deal with this together.“I know you’re hurting and so I am.”

   “I don’t know why I thought I could do this. I mean, be a wife and a mother.” Ignoring him, she started to pace. “I don’t even know who I am anymore. I’m no longer a cop. I’m barely a wife and no longer a mother to be. I wish I could turn back time and make sure none of this happened.”

   The bottom of his stomach dropped just like the night in the rain when she said they were done. “What happened?” His voice pitched a bit, “The last week? This last year? Us?”

   “Not us.” No matter the amount of pain there had been she could never regret their relationship. Meeting Richard Castle, falling in love with him, being with him was the single greatest thing she ever did in her life. “Never us.”

   “Then what?”

   “I need a shower.”

   “We need to talk.”

   “I know. I just need some time.”

   Castle heard the desperation in her voice and caved, “I’m going to call mother and Alexis. They should-should know.”

   “I agree.”

   Once she disappeared into the office, Castle buried his face in his hands and broke into gut-wrenching sobs. He didn’t even know how to begin to process it all. How did he mourn a life he didn’t know about? God! Castle clamped a hand over his mouth to muffle his sob so Beckett wouldn’t hear. Be strong, that’s what he had to do. Be the rock that she needed so he could get her through this. Then maybe, just maybe, he could work on getting himself through it.

0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o

   After a day of being comforted by her stepdaughter and her husband, Beckett found herself on the roof of the building. The night was nice and muggy just a typical spring day in New York City.  Leaning against the edge, she watched the city she loved so much below. Her life was in this city. Not counting the handful of years for college and traveling, everything she’d ever known was done there on those streets. Hell, she had bled for them and the people who inhabited it. Was this all she was? Was this city all she was to experience? Once, when she was young and before her mother’s murdered, she imagined a whole exciting life. Pack backing through Europe, maybe spending a few years working from place to place before diving head first into being the first female Chief Justice. At one point Beckett even tossed around the idea of being an art major.

   Didn’t really matter what those plans were, Beckett didn’t remember now. Everything changed the night Raglan showed up on her doorsteps shattering her world into a thousand tiny pieces. Even now, after all the wonderful things that happened in her life, she still couldn’t help but wonder about the life that could have been if that night never happened.

   “Hey.” Castle sat on the ledge of the roof offering her a cup of coffee. He hated the way she looked so tired. The events of the last few days weighed heavily on her already and now that the world through them this curveball. She looked so exhausted. So broken. And he felt completely helpless to do anything about it. “What are you thinking about?”

   Beckett chewed on her bottom lip ignoring the cup of coffee, “About the like, that could have been.”

   “Oh.” They finally talked before Alexis and Jeremy made it over to the loft. There was a lot of yelling, tears, discussion, and planning. He didn’t know how it all came about or what possessed him, but Castle found himself agreeing to her request for time. The time to figure out who she was, where she was going, and who she wanted to be.  Castle knew that if he wanted the best chance to make this all work out that giving her the time was what was the best answer. No so much for himself, but he figured if he waited her out for four years than what was a little longer. A few weeks, she said. Just a few weeks to figure everything out. He could do that. God, he hoped that he could. “What are you going to do?”

   “I don’t know.” She softly confessed, “Maybe get on my bike and just drive.”

   “Anywhere in particular?”

   The question caught Beckett by surprise. After their intense discussion, she figured that he would try to fight her. Maybe plead with her to stay. A part of her wanted him too. After all, she was her own worst enemy. In the end, Beckett found she loved the man more for his unconditional understanding. “Someplace that’s not here. This city holds too many bad memories for me.”

   Maybe time away would help her look at the city and remembered all the goodness. God, Castle rubbed a hand over his tired face. How in the hell did he agree to this? Trying to explain this to his daughter and mother was going to be hard as they wouldn’t understand. No one would. Hell, he was still trying to sort this all out.

   “You know that I love you,” Castle spoke, “right?”

   “I know.” Beckett turned to look at him her heartbreaking at the sorrow in the blue eyes she loved so much. He was grieving, she knew that. But found it hard to push her own aside at the moment to even attempt to comfort him. “I love you too.”

   Then why run? Castle used what self-control he had to keep the question in his head. “Be careful.” Now that they knew Bracken was behind her mother’s death, he feared what the reputations of that knowledge would be. “We know how trouble seems to follow you.”

   “Only if you promise the same. God knows what trouble you’ll find left to your own devices.”

   “No stealing polices horse, promise.” He was pleased to see her lips twitch, “I can’t pretend that I’m happy with you running off on your own. I’m not even sure I fully understand. All I know is that you’ve been through a lot is such a short period of time and need time to process it all. To figure out what you want.”

   “I’m coming back,” Beckett assured, but could see that he didn’t fully believe her. “I want to be the woman you deserve, Rick. I can’t do that like this. I can’t ask you to accept me like this. Broken and-….”

   Castle’s hand shot out to grip her shoulders, “Don’t you understand that I will take you any way I can. You decide what way that will be and I’ll accept it.” Tears blurred his vision and he hurriedly blinked them away, “Wife, lover, friend, or just partners. I don’t care what way, I just want you to be in my life. Always and with all my heart.”

    Stunned by his affirmation, it took Beckett a few moments to be able to speak again. “Rick.” God, she adored this man. Adore every goddamn ounce. Adore everything to his bones to his soul. Beckett could go a thousand lifetimes and never deserve a man like Richard Castle. She could lose everything, but not him. God never him.  “Thank you.”

   Castle gathered her close enough to hug the life out of her, “Never thank me for loving you.”

0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o

    Come sunrise, Castle found himself wondering once again how in the hell he agreed to this? Sleep eluded him as it did Beckett, but they hadn’t spent that time together. Beckett packed while he sat on the roof watching the night turn into day. He had hoped that some time alone would make Beckett rethink her plan, but that hadn’t happened. Just shy of nine in the morning and he was standing on the sidewalk with his daughter while his wife strapped her duffle bag to the back of her motorcycle. He felt sick to his stomach about letting her go. Still, he didn’t ask her to stay.

    Beckett took her time securing the buckle on her side compartment for a chance to gather her thoughts on what she would say. Not goodbye. That would make them both think that she wasn’t coming back. At least that was the plan anyway. It was hard to tell where she would end up after her little soul searching trip. “I umm…” Pushing a loose strand of hair off her face, Beckett turned to face the two Castles. “I will call once I get where I’m going.”

    “And that is?” Alexis demanded crossing her arms over her chest.

   Beckett hated the anger that radiated from the redhead. Hated the fact that she was the one who caused it. Hated that there was betrayal on her stepdaughter’s face. “I’m not sure really.”

    “Just be safe,” Castle interjected before Alexis could take another jab at Beckett. “Pull off if you get too tired.”

   “I will,” Beckett promised.

   “Well, I guess this is goodbye then.”

   “Alexis.” The redhead jerked from her touch and Beckett dropped her arm shamefully back to her side.  Just another person to let her down. Beckett closed her eyes to trap the tears before they fell. God, when would they run out? When would she stop disappointing the people she loved? Beckett had promised her not to leave again. Not to do anything to hurt Castle. What a stupid thing to do.

   Castle placed a gentle hand on his wife’s arm to stop her from chasing after Alexis when his daughter took off inside. “Don’t.”

   “I didn’t mean for this to happen.” She lifted her tear-filled eyes to his bloodshot one. “I can’t stop myself from going, Rick. I can’t even think about being the mother she deserves until I figure myself out. I don’t…. I can’t…”

   “I will explain it to her when she cools down.” Castle promised, “And to mother.”

   “They’ll never forgive me for this.”

   “Sure they will.”

   “How?”

   Castle shrugged, “They love you.”

   Beckett huffed casting her gaze downwards, “I doubt that’s what they feel for me now.”

   “You let me worry about them. You just focus on yourself and come back to me.”

   “I love you, you know that right?”

   “Of course I do.” He pressed a tender kiss to her brow doing all he could to keep the emotions from his voice.  “And know that I love you with all my heart.”

   “I will come back.”

   “And I’ll be waiting for you.”

   

  


	5. 2 AM Arrival

    Beckett shouldered her duffle bag making her way up the stone pathway to her father’s cabin. Driving straight through possibly wasn’t the best thing. She could barely hold herself up. How she made it here in one piece was nothing short of a miracle. Once inside and the door closed at her back, Beckett looked around the empty cabin. It was so dark. So quiet. After a year in the loft, Beckett had grown accustomed to chaos and noise. To warm laughter and long conversations. All that was there was silence. But this was what she wanted, right? Time and space to sort everything out? Too tired to stand, she collapsed against the door before sinking to the ground. Her eyes were heavy, her body sore. Beckett drew her legs up to hug them against her chest as her gaze swept the cold darkness. Empty. Just like her. She laid her head on her knees and cried herself to sleep.

0o0o0o0o0o

   “Richard.”

  Groaning, castle yanked a pillow over his head in an attempt to drown out the voice. His head was far too heavy from crying himself pat the point of exhaustion. Having any conversation with anyone at the moment was the last thing he wanted to do. Even his family.

   “Richard, get up.”

   “Go away, Mother.” Castle groaned.

   Sighing, Martha grabbed the blanket he laid on firmly by the edge and yanked.  Her sprawled out on his ass swearing like a sailor. “Listen to me.” She snapped before he could lash out on her. “I know you’re hurting and it’s killing me that there’s not a damn thing I can do about it, but you can just hide away. You have to go after her. Neither of you should be alone.”

   Castle looked away from his mother’s penetrating gaze, “She needs the space.”

   Martha jerked his gaze back by taking him by the chin, “Go after Katharine, Richard.”

   A burst of pain shot through him at the sound of her name. He does his best to swallow it. To push it deep down inside so he didn’t feel it. Numb and empty. That’s all he wanted to feel right now.

   “Even if I did, I don’t know where she went.”

   “How could you even let her go in the first place?”

   He pressed the hell of his hands to his eyes in hopes to stop the tears before they fell. How many more did he have to shed before they were all gone? “You wouldn’t understand.”

   “You’re right I don’t.” Martha agreed anger flooding her voice, “You lost the baby too.”

   Hearing it aloud churned Castle’s stomach. A baby. Beckett was going to have his child. They were going to be parents and god or fate or whoever ripped it all away from them in a single moment. “she didn’t run away, Mother.”

   Looks like it to me.”

   They didn’t understand. No amount of explaining would make them change their horrible opinion of Beckett. That didn’t stop Castle from trying, “It’s just not the loss of the baby she is dealing with.”

   “What do you mean?”

   That’s right. They didn’t know what transpired the day they lost the baby. A decision made to keep them safe. To make sure they were kept in the dark so Bracken’s reach couldn’t touch them. Now he was torn on what to do. Tell them in hopes to get them to understand or remain silently and add fuel to their hatred towards the woman he loved. Sighing, Castle scrubbed his hands over the stubbles on his cheeks. “Nothing.” In time they would understand and forgive. That’s what a person did when they loved someone.

   Martha pushed to her feet, “Fine. I’ll make you something to eat.”

   Castle stomach rumbled thinking about food and as a reminder that he hadn’t eaten since before going to the hospital. “I’m not hungry.” And with that, Castle ended the conversation twisting to curl his face in his arm on the edge of the bed and cried for the chubby little cheeked baby that would never exist.

0o0o0o0o0

   Beckett awoke with a splitting headache and an aching body. Falling asleep on a hardwood floor wasn’t her brightest idea. A department she struggled a lot recently. Pushing herself into a sitting position, Beckett looked around the find the light spilling a little brightly for her taste through the windows.

   Why was she here?

   The echoing question followed her into the back bedroom that she claimed as her long ago as a child. Not much changed over the years. The collections of books had expanded and the teenage posters had been replaced by various pieces of art. Her mother painted the lovely Golden Gate Bridge landscape that hung over the bed. A small encouragement for Beckett to make up her mind about going to Stanford. It was only of the very few things she grabbed before moving back to New York.

   Sighing, Beckett pulled her phone from her duffle. The lock screen informed her that her battery was low, she missed a call from Lanie and had a few texts from her husband. Crap she never did call him. Honestly talking to him wasn’t something Beckett was sure she could even do at the moment. Hearing his voice would just bring it all back. So she sent him a quick ‘I’m safe’ before tossing it aside.

   Why was she here? Why wasn’t she at the loft with Castle trying to work through all this pain together?

   God, she was so tired. All Beckett wanted to do was sleep for days. She desperately wanted this all to be just some horrible dream. The road gave her time to think and a small part of her concluded that maybe it was better not knowing the identity of the man behind her mother’s murder.  Ignorance was bliss. That same part of her wished Castle never pried his nose where it didn’t belong. That he had just left her alone after their first meeting. But then her life would have been drastically different. She’d never fallen in love. Never became another to the world’s brightest kid. Never would be the better person she was because of him. No, Beckett shook her head to shake away the thought. Ending up with Castle was the only thing that made sense of all the pain and misery that she’d been through. It made it worth it.

   So once again, Beckett asked herself ‘Why was she here?’

00o0o0o0o0o0o0o

   “Dad?” Alexis poked her head into the bedroom to scout if it was safe to come in. Her father laid on Beckett’s side of the bed curled in on himself with the pillow she used hugged to his chest. No waiting for a response, Alexis entered with a tray of food in hand. “I brought some food.”

   Castle closed his eyes on a long sigh. He found it impossible to make himself move even for her. Just this one, he couldn’t put his daughter’s well being in front of his own. “I’m not hungry.”

   “Tough.”

   Castle forced eyes open to look at his daughter. Her face was grim and her eyes full with a mixture of sadness and anger. “Alexis please-.”

   “I’m not listening.” Alexis placed the tray on the nightstand and sat. She’d never seen her father look so broken. So torn. So helpless. Dark circles rested under his bloodshot eyes, his skin almost ghostly pale. “You’re going to eat even if I have to shove the damn soup down your throat.”

   Castle only grunted. Everything hurt. He just wanted it all to stop. God he wanted Beckett. He needed his wife. She is the only one that understood all the pain.

   Tears burned in the back of her throat, “Tell me how I can help, daddy. I can’t imagine what you’re going through.” Alexis herself felt anguish over the loss of the potential sibling. Alexis knew that her father longed for another child or two running around the loft. Alexis wanted that too. She wanted him to just have a happy ever after with Beckett. Instead, she up and left and he got this nightmare. “I can never forgive her for this.”

   His daughter’s declaration caused him to stir out of his haze, “Don’t say that, Alexis. She loves you.”

   “She left, Dad.”

   “That doesn’t mean she doesn’t love you.”   

   Frustrated with herself, Beckett, and the world, Alexis knuckled a few tears away. “She promised never to hurt you. Especially not in the same way like last time.”

   “She didn’t do this to intentionally hurt me or you.”

   “Could have fooled me.”

   Struggling for a moment because he was so weak, Castle managed to push his weight onto his elbows. Alexis’s frustration and anger towards her stepmother were more than valid, Beckett would even agree, but it was the last thing he wanted his daughter to feel. Beckett loved Alexis even more than she loved him. Hurting either of them was Beckett’s last intention.  “Losing a life growing inside of you is something none of you understand, Alexis. And the fact that she blames herself because she was careless only adds to that grief.”

   Alexis’s brow wrinkled, “careless?”

   “The stress and terror of coming face to face with the man who shot her and having that man try to kill her again. Then shock from the explosion and finding the person responsible for her mother’s murder….”

   “Wait! Wait! Back up.” Her hands flared in the air a bit as her mind struggled to process all the information. “What explosion?”

   Realizing his mistake, Castle found himself scrambling to play it off, “Our fight.”

   “Please, Dad don’t lie to me. You never have, so please don’t start now.”

   Left with not much choice, Castle began telling his daughter everything to the scuffle on the rooftop wroth Maddox to figuring out Senator Bracken’s role in this whole mess. And just like that, he stripped away a layer of protection from Alexis. He begged her never to speak of it. Not even to Jeremy or her grandmother. “The fewer people that know, the better.”

   “Why didn’t she arrest him?” Alexis softly wondered breaking her stunned silence, “She had the file.”

   “There is no file,” Castle corrected. “It was destroyed. Ryan collected as much of the debris possible and by some miracle, we managed to piece together a money order. A single on that isn’t even complete isn’t enough to tie him to anything.”

   Now Alexis found herself torn between hating her stepmother and sympathizing with her. If put in the same situation, Alexis couldn’t say for certain how she’d have reacted. But Beckett still left. Alexis talked over to the dresser for some fresh clothes for her father. Instead of staying to be comforted by those that loved her most, Beckett up and left with no word on her destination nor duration. “Did she call you?”

   Castle’s face fell, “She sent a text.”

   On that note, Alexis decided to stick with hatred. “All right, you need to eat then shower. Or at least change your clothes.”

   Castle looked at the bowl of soup on the nightstand. The smell made him queasy, but he would do what he could to get a few spoonfuls down. For Alexis.

0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o

    Rooting through her duffle bag, Beckett found the shirt of Castle’s that she packed and pulled it over her head. Immediately she was surrounded by his scent bringing her a sense of security. Thought it does nothing to dull the ache in her chest and the emptiness of her womb. Needing to hear a comforting voice, she snatched her phone off the nightstand and sat in the middle of the bed with her back against the headboard. Beckett ignored the notifications of missed calls from various people and sought out the person she needed.

   “Hello?”

   “Da-…” Tears instantly blinded her and she just broke all over again. “Dad.”

    “Katie?” His voice was laced with worry, “What’s wrong? Are you all right?”

   “No, I’m not.” Beckett managed to get in between gut wrenching sobs.  God, she wanted her father to be here, to hold her in his arms and tell her everything was going to be all right. She needed him to chase away the sadness and fear like he did when she was a child. Instead, she was here in this cabin surrounded by nothing but sadness and emptiness.

   “Baby calm down,” Jim soothed clearly struggling to decipher anything that she was saying. “Take some deep breath. Tell me what’s wrong please.”

   “I lost it.”

   “Lost what?”

   Beckett placed a hand on her flat stomach. She doesn’t have to try hard to imagine it swollen with a life growing inside her. A life, a child made of the best parts of both her and Castle. “I lost the baby. I lost it.”

   There was a long pause before Jim spoke again, “Honey, I’m so sorry.” Tears flooded his worried voice, “Are you okay? I mean physically?”

   “I’m fine.” And that was possibly the worst part. There was nothing wrong with her to cause her to lose the baby. Just something that happened. That’s what the doctor told her. Nothing could have been done to prevent losing the baby. Sometimes women bodies couldn’t handle the strand of carrying a baby. “We didn’t… I didn’t know.”

   “Where are you?” A rustling could be heard through the phone, “Are you at the hospital or the loft?”

   Guilt hit her again. The loft was where she should be. “I’m not in the city.”

   “What?”

   “I umm I needed time.” Beckett shyly confessed, “I’m at the cabin.”

   “With Rick?”

   “No.”

   Another long pause. “All right.” He didn’t question her choice or scold her for it. “I’m coming up there. I can be there-.”

   “No.” She repeated cutting him off, “Don’t come up, Dad.”

   “Katie you don’t need to be alone.”

   “I’m fine.” The assurance didn’t go very far. Beckett closed her eyes in hope to calm the tears that were building again, “I just really needed to hear your voice, that’s all.”

   “I’m sorry.”

   “Not your fault.”

   “It’s not yours either.”

   How could they not see that it was? Only if she had been more careful and not stressed out as much. Only if she listened to Castle in stepping away from pursuing Maddox then everything would have been all right. Then she wouldn’t have lost the baby.

   “This isn’t your fault.” Jim sternly told her, “You did nothing wrong. I know that’s hard to understand through all the grief and pain, but it’s true. And the last thing you need to do is push away those that can help you through this.”

   “I don’t know how he can ever forgive me.”

   “That man loves you, Katie and he is the best thing to ever happen to you. Both him and Alexis. Don’t shut them out. I know how you feel.” He paused for a moment, “Your mother had a miscarriage when you were very young. It nearly ripped us apart.”

   “How did you stop it?”

   “We loved one another because that’s all you can do in this situation.”

0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o

   “Rick?”

    Castle had been so absorbed on what he would say that the door opened, escaping his notice. The writer took a deep breath and lifted his gaze, “Do you know where Kate is?”

   Jim gripped the door handle unsure how to proceed. His daughter asked him not to tell Castle if he should come looking for her stating that space was the best thing for her right now. Something he didn’t agree with one bit. But he also knew that what she needed the most was the heartbroken man on his doorstep. “Come in.” The writer looked like he was going to collapse at any moment.

   Castle stumbled, using his father in law to help him get inside. “She told you?”

   “Yes.” Jim carefully dropped him onto the couch. “Are you okay?”

   “No.” Sighing, Castle dragged his hands across his face fighting the urge to cry again. It was a wonder there was any left. “We didn’t know. She just woke up in the middle of the night in pain and then they said we lost it”

   “Were you guys trying?”

   The writer shook his head, “No. Not sure if that makes all this easier or harder.”

   “It’s hard to say.”

   “I didn’t know how much I wanted it until it was gone.”

   Jim sat on the edge of the coffee table, “There is nothing saying you can’t try again, Rick.” He himself longed for a grandchild to help spoil. “You two just need to heal from this.”

   He lowered his hands gazing at the older man with bloodshot eyes, “I don’t know if she wants to try again. What if we lose the next one? I can’t go through this again.”

   “You will because you two have been able to get through everything together. This is just a bump in the road of your lives together.”

   “And what if… What if...” Castle’s breath caught in his throat, “What if she doesn’t come back?”

   “She will.”

   “I love her so much, Jim. Being apart knowing that she needs me is tears my heart into pieces. There is no one else for. She’s my forever.” A future without Beckett was a future he didn’t want. “Where is she?”

   In the end, Jim decided to follow his daughter’s wishes, “She wouldn’t tell me.” He lied hoping that did a good enough job to fool the man who wrote for a living. “I know that she’s safe.”

   Castle’s head bobbed, swallowing the pain the best he could and momentarily forgetting how to anything else but exist. It seemed that’s all he could do without Beckett. Eventually, he remembered to breathe and the pain came rushing back. God, when would this all end? When would the hurting stop? The grief?

   “She will come back, Rick.”

0o0o0o0o0o0o0o

   Armed with a small notebook, Beckett sat on the edge of the dock letting her legs plunge into the cool water of the lake. The small hike from the cabin was nice. She’d forgotten how much she missed the outdoors. Something easy to for when living in the noise of the city. The summer’s spent at the cabin and in this very body of water were some of her fondest memories. Looking out at the sun reflecting on the lake made Beckett’s mind wander. She could picture as if it was a real memory, Alexis lounging on the dock with her while Castle splashed around the lake like a loon with Jeremy. Her father would be on the shore in his beloved chair most likely fishing while Martha did well Beckett wasn’t sure what. There would be a little boy with Castle’s unruly brown hair and his beautiful blue eyes scaring the hell out of them by jumping off the dock. In the end, they would laugh, but they would never forget that moment of terror where they could have lost their boy. Just like before.

   Shaking her head clear, Beckett opened the notebook and started scribbling thoughts down.

_Would I have made a good mother?_

The question had her pausing. Would she? She contemplated that very thing the entire drive. Castle would’ve been a terrific father. Alexis was a shining example of his loving parenting. There was nothing that girl wouldn’t do for her father and vise versa. But what about her? Her experiences with children were very limited only really interacting with them during cases. Did she have it in her to be a good mother? To be that person to mold a life and raise it the best way possible?

   _I am not the wife he deserves. I walked out on the man I loved. The love of my life. The father of my child._

Beckett’s pen jerked a bit before she continued on writing down her scattered thoughts. There was no training manual for life. No checklist or rules to help her along at this moment in time. One moment she was a mother to be and the next she was just simply Kate Beckett and nothing more. How did one mourn a life that never was? Maybe if they had seen the doctor or had some type of proof like an ultrasound then Beckett would have at least something to prove that there once was a child growing inside of her. Instead of nothing.  

   _I am nothing. No job. No purpose. Not a mother. Not a cop. Possibly not even a wife. I ruin everything I touch._

Beckett wrote and wrote, even past the point where her hand ached. The thoughts just came pouring out of her at such a rapid rate, struggled to get them all down in time. Slowly, with each word that marked the paper, Beckett felt a little bit of pressure being lifted off her heavy heart. Now she understood why Castle loved writing so much. It was uplifting and freeing. In fact, she wrote until the sun started to sink below the horizon. Almost six pages of random thoughts, fears, hopes, and dream. That seemed to be enough for now.

   Feeling slightly better, Beckett grabbed her phone and wallet before heading out into town on her bike. Her intention was to go get food, but she found herself pulling into the old book store she used to visit with her mother.

   “Well isn’t this a surprise.” The older man behind the counter struggled to push his weight on to his cane. A huge smile spilt his wrinkled face. “Katharine Beckett. I didn’t know you and your father were up this way.”

   “Wasn’t a planned trip and it’s just me.” Beckett stated, “I know you’re about to close up, Mr. Duncan but-…”

   Duncan waved the thought away with his hand, “For you, I have all the time in the world.  Francis will be so happy to see you.

   Beckett smiled, really smiled, “Is she in the back?”

   “Yes. Go on and see her now or I’ll get an earful!”

   She did just that.

    Francis, nearly in her eighties, was in the small kitchen in the back of the story making tea. The couple originated from Europe having moved to America sometime after World War II. Beckett remembered fondling all the times that Francis let her sit and eat all the biscuits that had been freshly made that morning.

   “Hello, Francis.”

   “Oh! Kate!” The white haired woman turned with a beaming smile as she wiped her hands on the apron she wore. “It’s been far too long. Did you come up with your father?”

   “No just me.” Beckett informed with a small smile, “I just needed a little fresh air.”

   “Come sit! Tea is ready and cookies are almost done.”

   Beckett didn’t protest. The smell of the cookies made her mouth water. A kind reminder that she hadn’t put anything her stomach for over twenty four hours.

    The older woman set out three teacups an all the fixings for the tea cooling in the center of the table. Her warm gaze instantly fell onto Beckett’s finger. “Married?” Francis sputtered nearly dropping the sugar, “You’re married! I didn’t even know you were engaged! Your father didn’t mention anything when I talked to him.”

   “Well,” Beckett twisted the rings around her finger, “It all happened so quickly. The span of a week actually.”

   “You say that like it’s a bad thing.” Laughing, Francis started pouring tea. “Duncan and I got married two days after our engagement. Imagine how happy that made my parents. They said we were foolish, but I knew that he was the man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with.”

   “Did you know him long?”

   “About five years. I knew I loved him in the first year, but I guess we both thought dancing around our feelings was a good way to spend our time. Eventually, one of us figured it out and took the plunge.”

   “Sounds familiar.”

    “Is your husband here?”

   Thinking of Castle made Beckett frown instead of smiling. He should be here sitting in this small kitchen charming this old lady while drinking tea and eating freshly made cookies. “No, he’s not.”

   “Now why is there so much sadness in your voice, my dear?” Francis reached to still Beckett’s busy hands. “Love is supposed to be a happy thing. Are you having second thoughts?”

   “Nothing like that.” Beckett swiped a finger under her eye to catch the tear that slipped past her guard. At least she wasn’t breaking down in sobs this time.  “I love him more than I can put into words. He’s so patient and gentle and kind. He is so loving. I don’t deserve him. I don’t…” damn it there was no stopping the sob from catching in her throat.

   “Katharine, my dear girl.” Francis did her best to comfort the distraught woman. “Everyone deserves to be loved. I can’t imagine anything you could have done is as bad as you’re making it.”

   “There is so much I’ve done and he forgives me every time. I don’t want to be that person that hurts him. I held on to certain things so tightly in my life that I feel so lost in the world.” Beckett found it easy to unburden her soul to the kind old woman with kind eyes and a gentle face.

    “You love him, don’t you?”

   “With all my heart.”

   Francis patted Beckett’s hand, “Love is kind. Love is healing. More importantly, love can mend even broken souls. Find yourself and whatever you set out to do by coming here. He will be waiting for you when you’re done with an open heart and arms.”

   After finishing up her tea and cookies, Beckett started browsing the store even though she tried to fight Francis not wanting to keep them any longer than she already had. Of course, she migrated straight to the mystery section. Francis teased her about marrying her favorite writer, even going as far as to say it was fate. The C’s were loaded with nearly all of her husband’s books. Looking at them filled Beckett with an abundance amount of pride. Her attention went to the book with the worn down spine and beat up jacket cover. Castle’s first book. Smiling, Beckett slipped it off the shelf running her fingers over the cover fondly. The first book of his she ever read at her mother’s encouragement of course.

   God, she missed him. Beckett flipped the book over to stare at the author photo on the back. He looked so much younger with longer hair and scruff on his face. Nothing like the polished man that showed up in his pinned striped suit to his official first day at the station. Or the man with laugh lines etched into his face and a bit of gray in his hair. Nothing like the man she loved with all of her heart. Nothing like the man who was waiting for her.

   _Why am I here?_

The question that entered her mind upon awakening kicked to the surface. While she mulled it over, Beckett opened the front cover and what she found written inside stopped her heart. Only when she got her brain working again and she was out the door and on her bike did she realize just where she was needed. She realized who she was and what she truly wanted out of life. And it had nothing to do with fresh air or time to think. It had to do with just one thing.

   Richard Castle.

  

  


	6. 2 PM Visitor

   Gathering her wits, Beckett finally brought herself to know on the damn door she had been standing in front of for a good half an hour. She found it worked in her favor that she used to live here so no one would think to call the cops on her. The person that answered the door was anything but pleased to see her. Beckett accepted it. After all, she did deserve Alexis’s hatred. “Hi.” Beckett pushed a loose strand of hair off her face, “You alone?”

   “Jeremy is having dinner with his mother.” Alexis gripped the edge of the door so tightly her knuckles turned white. “So you’re back?”

   “I am.”

   “Why are you here?”

   “I was hoping we could talk.”

   The redhead thought for a moment and Beckett could tell that Alexis was close to shutting the door in her face. In the end, Alexis stepped aside in a wordless invitation.

   Beckett closed the door behind her letting Alexis talk off to the kitchen. The apartment remained largely untouched since she moved out. There were little small touches of Alexis throughout the place making Beckett feel like the young woman was hesitant to make this place home. Beckett couldn’t help but wonder why that was.

   “So.” Alexis struggled to still her busy hands, “I thought you would be gone longer. Have you gone to seen dad?”

   “No. I just got back into the city.” Beckett softly explained, “I wanted to see you first. I have a lot to explain to you and I’m not even sure how to even start. Saying I’m sorry doesn’t seem to cover it.”

   “You just up and walked away.”

   No matter how hard she tried, Beckett couldn’t keep the guilt from leaking into her voice, “I know I did.”

   Temper flared in Alexis’s blue eyes, “You walked away with you a second thought like we meant nothing.”

   The words cut deep. Beckett fought took and nail to hold back the tears. How could she have been so stupid? How could she risk all of the love and trust of this family? “You mean more to me than I can put into words.”

   “Then why did you leave?”

   “Because I was broken,” Beckett confessed on a soft sob, “And I didn’t- Don’t feel worthy of you or your father.”

   Alexis blinked, “Kate.”

   “You deserve the best. You both have such big hearts and so much love to give. You deserve a mother who can be there for you no matter what. A mother who knows how to put her own pain aside to see you through anything.” Something that Alexis never got from her own mother until very recently. Beckett had vowed to never be in the same category as Meredith. “Rick deserves a wife that doesn’t think twice about hurting him. He deserves a wife free of baggage and so many scars. Both of you deserve to be happy and I’ve caused you nothing but pain.”

   “Nobody is perfect.” Alexis reasoned finding her anger dissipating Damn it! She wanted to hate this woman for a bit longer. “And we don’t want perfect. It’s boring and predictable. And if you haven’t noticed, the Castle family is anything but.”

   “I know.”

   Alexis gripped both of Beckett’s hands forcing her stepmother to finally look up at her. “I’m mad at you- No wait- furious with you, Kate, but I still love you. Nothing will change that because you’ve been my greatest friend and even enemy when I needed it.” She fought Beckett when she tried to argue, “And you are a mother who puts her own pain aside. Hell, Kate you nearly put your life aside for mine. The moment you took on Grey yourself and told me to run, you knew that it could possibly mean your life. You did it even though I’m not even your daughter.”

   Hearing that made Beckett’s spine stiffen. Through all her soul searching and wondering about life one thing remained. That she loved Alexis with every inch of her heart and would do anything for her. Even give her own life to make sure that she was safe. Beckett had been so scared that by leaving she had lost Alexis. “Yes, you are. No matter what happens in life or between your father and me, you will always be my daughter. Never forget that.” Alexis was hers. If anything came out of this conversation that was what Beckett wanted her to know. Alexis could tell her to stay the hell away from her and Castle and Beckett would respect that. She would walk away never to bother them again. But Alexis would always be hers. No one would take that from her.

   “The only way I will is if you go away,” Alexis whispered. “Are you staying this time?”

   “That depends.”

   “On what?”

   “If you give me permission to come back. I know I hurt you and I hurt your father over and over again. I don’t know why I do it. I should know by now that running from those that I love is not the answer. I’m not going anywhere.”

0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o

    Beckett found herself stunned into silence the moment the loft door opened revealing a very haggard looking Richard Castle. Alexis hadn’t been exaggerating on how bad he was taking all of this. His blue eyes, the eyes that always sparkled with his youthful spirit, were bloodshot and glazed over from the lack of sleep and tears. It was very clear to her that he hadn’t seen a mirror or touched any type of grooming product since the morning she left.

   “Kate?” Like ad drunk, Castle stumbled before catching himself on the door. He blinked and sure enough, there was Kate Beckett soaked to the bone standing on his doorstep.

   Blinded by the pain she caused, Beckett attempt to smile failed. Jesus, she had to be the most selfish person on the fuckin planet. The child she lost was part of him. In her grief, Beckett ignored that fact. Ignored the agony of losing that life caused him. “You said…” Emotions clogged her throat to the point she felt like she couldn’t breathe. “That you would take me any way you can. I’m bruised, tattered and torn, but I love you, Richard Castle. I don’t deserve you and I never will, but I will do whatever it takes to make up for what I’ve put you through. I know who I am and what I want. You… If you’ll have me.”

   Castle stood there silently another moment letting everything just sink in. Once it did, he snatched Beckett into his arms and held on tight. He did nothing to stop the tears. Unlike all the ones before, these were of joy. “Yes.” He pressed his face into the thick locks of her hair breathing in the scent he missed so much. He even took to sleeping with one of her shirts.

   Beckett slipped her arms around her husband’s trembling body and slid on hand up his spine until coming to rest at the nape of his neck. Each sob physically tore at her. “I’m sorry.” The words seemed very inadequate, but it was all she seemed to be able to muster at the moment. Sorry for leaving. Sorry for losing the baby. Sorry for always for hurting him. Yeah, sorry didn’t even begin to cover it.

   Not being able to support his own weight anymore, Castle sank to his knees in the doorway taking Beckett with him. He wasn’t sure she was coming back even with her vow on the rooftop. He sure in the hell didn’t expect her so soon. Trying to hold it together in her absence was nothing short of a failure only added to his daughter’s and mother’s anger. The two women didn’t hide their bitterness about Beckett up and leaving not knowing nor understanding how difficult and painful it was for her to do so. They called him insane for just standing by and letting it happen. They didn’t know Beckett like he did. They didn’t understand all the turmoil she had been put through in such a short amount of time.

   After a few minutes, his tears dried up and Beckett carefully stroked a hand through his wild hair afraid that he would reject her touch. “Let’s get you up.”

   Somehow Castle got the message to his legs and with the help of his wife made it to the couch. When she sat all Castle could do was stare at her.

   “I can’t even begin to explain or-.”

   “You don’t have to.” Castle cut her off by snatching her hands in his, “We look forward. Not back, Kate.”

   “Saying that knowing it’s for my benefit and not yours is one of the many reasons I love you.” Beckett swiped at her cheek before rummaging through the small duffle she brought up. She fished out a book and a few sealed envelopes to hand them over.

   He looked down and back up with an arched brow, “What is this?”

   Nervous now, Beckett tucked a loose strand of hair behind her ear. “I started driving with no real purpose or destination in mind, but I found my way to my father’s cabin. I guess it’s a place I knew I could be alone to think. It helped me heal last time.” She pressed a finger to book’s worn jacket cover. “There is a book store not far from where I use to go with my mother when we went up there. I picked up your first book there. Mom made fun of me, saying I only picked it up because I thought you looked handsome in your author photo.”

   Castle softly laughed drawing a small smile from her. The more Beckett talked about her mother the more Castle wished he could have met the woman. The further he agonized over the fact that the man responsible for her death not only walked free but had built his entire success from it.

   “I guess it was nice to just have something else to bond with her over. She loved your books so much that she had two sets of each book. One for the city and one for the cabin. She counted down the days to the release of your next book.” She stopped realizing that she was rambling and needed to get to the point. “That was the book we picked up that day.”

   “Not my best work.” Castle grinned turning the book in his hand.

   “No, you don’t get it.” Beckett forced him to open the front cover and pointed to the name on the inside. “It’s my mom’s. I guess dad got rid of some of her things at the cabin. Here I am wondering around this hole in the wall book store trying to figure out what the hell I want out of life and I find this. I felt like she was talking to me. Or rather giving me a good kick in the ass for me to get my head straight before I lose the best thing in my life.”

   Looking down, seeing Johanna Beckett written so neatly in the top corner and knowing that it was written by the woman, Castle found himself battling tears again. A firm believer in fate, he also felt like Johanna’s hand gave her daughter to push to come back to him. “I thought you didn’t believe in such things.”

   The corner of her mouth curved in what felt like her first smile in ages, “I have you to thank for changing my mind. I thought that without my job and losing that bit that inspired you meant I would lose you. And then losing the baby.”

   “Kate.”

   “I was an idiot to think that time away was the answer. You are my rock, Rick. My guiding light and North Star. You made me a better person because you inspired me with your understanding, friendship, and most importantly your love. It doesn’t matter who I was meant to be or who I want too, because with you by my side I can do anything.” Why it took her high tailing it out of town, she didn’t know. All Beckett did know was that she would never run again. They would face whatever life threw at them together. “Be anything.”

   Castle set the book and letters on the coffee table to take her face in his hands. His heart melted at the way she closed her eyes to savor his touch. “Whatever you want to be, Kate, I’ll support you.”

   “And what do you want, Rick? You always put everyone before yourself, so I want to know what you want.”

   He lowered his brow to hers, muzzling her nose, “I want to spend the rest of my life as your husband. To love you until we are old and grey. I want to be a father to our children.” He felt her hands tighten on his wrist, “I just want you, Kate.”

   “You have me.”

0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o

   Rubbing a towel over his damp hair, Castle entered the bedroom finding Beckett sitting cross-legged in the middle of the bed. “Better?” He asked throwing the towel carelessly aside.

   Beckett tilted her head in consideration, “You look somewhat human again. Keeping the beard?”

   “Chick dig ‘em.”

   Well, Beckett did have a fondness for them, but she would never tell him that. “If you say so.”

   Hearing the strain in her voice, Castle joined her on the bed. “Talk to me, Kate.”

   “I just don’t know how you can forgive me.” She knew that not all was forgiven and it would be sometime before he offered it, Beckett found herself amazed they were as far as they were. He should have told her to leave. Or to give him space. Hell, he even had the right to make her beg for his forgiveness. It’s what she deserved after all the pain she caused.

   “Because I love you.” Castle simply said as if it explained every answer to every question in the world.

   Beckett struggled to understand, “That’s enough? Love?”

   Patient as ever, Castle linked fingers before bringing their joint hands to his lips. “Loving you is anything but easy, Kate. You have hurt me and you think I should hold that against you, but that’s not love. Love heals, not destroys. You said it to yourself in this very spot that we’ve already lost so much time dancing around our feelings for one another. I don’t want to waste a single moment we have left. I have no intention of ever letting you go.”

   “I just-…” Beckett gazed shifted to their join hands, “I just want to be enough for you.”

   “You’re already enough for me because who you are is who I need.”

   “I’m going to talk to Gates Tomorrow about getting my job back. My mother may have been the reason I became a cop, but getting justice and helping those that can’t help themselves is who I am. If I don’t get my job back then I’ll find another way to do those things.”

   Castle brushed her hair from her face, “Whatever happens, we’ll deal with it together.”

   “Together,” Beckett promised burying himself in his arms, “Always.”

0o0o0o0o0o0o

      “Come in.”

   Taking a deep breath, Beckett pushed her way into the captain’s office. “Sir.” Gates jolted in her chair behind the desk at the sound of her voice. Clearly, her appearance had not been expected.

   Gates pulled off her glasses, “Mrs. Castle.” She caught a slither of bride cross Beckett’s face, “what a surprise to see you.”

   Beckett felt like cowering when gates pushed to her feet, “I was well.” She licked her lips trying to calm her breathing. For Christ sake, she faced down her shooting and looked Bracken in the eyes before threatening him with a pure bluff. So she shouldn’t be afraid to ask for her job back. “I was hoping that you would reconsider my resignation.”

   “Really?”

   “I recently had some time to think about things in my life and I realized the error in my actions. I compromised not only my safety but that of my partners. Maddox is dead and no longer my case will no longer be an issue.”

   “Are you sure about that?” Gates asked leaning into the desk, “Because it’s the gift that keeps on giving.”

   “I’m sure?”

   “How do I know that you won’t cross the line again? That you can do your job objectively?”

   “There is no way I can.” And Beckett would be stupid to even try to convince her that she would. The type of person, of a cop, was what made her good at her job. If getting justice for someone meant crossing a line or two then by God she would break it completely. “My job is to protect the citizens of all those that inhabit this city and I do that by doing my job better than anyone else to get results. I don’t cross the line, Sir. I put myself on it to get justice for those who can’t get it from themselves. It’s-.”

   “You’ve made your case, Detective Beckett. Or will you go by Castle now?”

   Beckett hesitated for a moment, “Does that mean I can come back?”

   Castle looked up from his phone just as Beckett stepped out of the office. He couldn’t tell by her expression on how well things went. “So?”  

   Beckett silently picked up her jacket off the back of her chair.

   “How did it go?”

   “I have to serve out my suspicion and then I can return.” Beckett had been prepared for much worse. At first, she wanted to challenge it. But after talking to Gates about everything including her miscarriage, Beckett figured that a little more time before going back to the streets wasn’t such a bad thing.

   Castle spare a quick glance at Gates’ office, “And what about me?”

   “Either you’ve grown on Gates or she’s a hopeless romantic, but I guess it doesn’t matter because she said you’re back as well.” The joy on his face made her grin like an idiot. “Since the Commissioner is aware of our marriage, there is no need to hide it, but we have to act professionally in the workplace. Gates called it our wedding gift.”

   “Sweet!” Castle started to pull her close, only to remember where they were, and stopped. “Whoa. Not here it’s inappropriate. Gotta be professional.”

   Laughing, Beckett slid her arms around his neck and tried not to frown when she felt him flinch ever so slightly. Progress, she silently reminded herself. They still had a lot of progress to make before they were the couple they use to be. “Well, I’m not officially back just yet. So…”

   “I see.” He wasted no time pulling her in for a gentle kiss.

   “Eww.” Ryan’s voice broke the pair apart, “Get a room.”

   “Bite me,” Castle grumbled moving away to a more reasonable distance from his wife for their environment

   “You coming back, Beckett?” Ryan wondered.

   She nodded, “Have to serve out my suspension first.”  

   “Good,” Ryan glanced at his partner’s empty desk, “it’s far too quite around here.”

   “How is Jenny?” Beckett softly asked trying to change the subject in hopes to chase away the sadness in Ryan’s blue eyes.

   “Pregnant, but happy.” Ryan missed the way the pair flinched in his haze of happiness. “Nearly three months to go and the doctors are thinking about putting her on bed rest pretty soon. Apparently, the boys want to come early.”

   Beckett was happy for the man, she really was. Just she couldn’t stand to listen to him boasting about his healthy pregnant wife and children to be. No so soon after losing the life she once carried. “Tell Jenny if boredom becomes too much to give me a call.”

   “I’m glad you’re back, Becks.”

   “Hey!” Castle protested, “What about me?”

   Ryan looked over in consideration before smiling, “You too, Castle. Now go. Some of us have paperwork to do.”

   “Have fun, Ryan.”

   “So,” Castle waited until they were in the elevator to speak, “two months of nothing to do.”

   “Not nothing.” Beckett corrected hitting the button to their desired floor. “We got two months to heal together.”

   Smiling, he wrapped his arm around her shoulder to pull her flush to his side. They would be professional next time, “I like that plan”


	7. 9 AM Breakthrough

_Rick,_

_I’m not sure when and if these letters will ever find you. I don’t even know when do you read it if we are together or not. You might have given up on me and deemed me too much work. I wouldn’t blame you for that. I know I’ve hurt you. For the entire length of our relationship has been me hurting you and you taking me back always forgiving whatever I done. Even now as I write these letters to you in some run down café I know you’ll forgive me even though I don’t deserve it. As I sit drinking coffee remembering all the times you brought me a cup just to see me smile. Something so small and simple but holds such strong meaning between us. With every cup of coffee and bad joke, I would find myself falling a little bit more in love with you. I’m sorry it took me so long to realize my feelings for you. What I felt was so strong that it scared me. I realize how much time I lost with you by fighting what I felt and there is nothing I can do to get it back. That’s part of the realization that hit me tonight. I don’t want to lose any more time. Our partnership, our relationship is the greatest thing to ever happen to me. You are an amazing man, father, and husband. I am so proud to have been your inspiration and I’m proud to be your wife. I love you with all my heart. Always._

   Castle ran his thumb over Beckett’s name in the lower right hand corner fighting the tears the words evoked. Over the last five months he had read the few letters Beckett wrote to him in the short time they were apart after the miscarriage. The first two were written during her time at the cabin. The third shortly after leaving the book store. She must have written this one some time on her journey home. Each letter helped him understand a little more his wife’s thought process on how she dealt with the loss of the baby. Castle still held a small amount of resentment towards her and her actions. Forgive and forget. Who ever came up with that saying must not have been in the position to do such a thing. He tried too, he really did. But he still felt angry towards his wife every now and again. Angry for the pain she caused not only him but his mother and daughter. Castle wasn’t sure if his mother actually has forgiven her.

   Hearing Beckett shuffling around in the bathroom, Castle tucked the letter back in his top rawer before she stepped out. They really hadn’t fully talked about the whole heartbreaking miscarriage and the fallout from it. Of course they talked here and there. They just never stopped to dive deep into the topic. They never discussed whether or not they would try again to get pregnant. He didn’t even know if Beckett wanted children now. Did he? As much as Castle longed to have children with Beckett he wasn’t sure if he wanted to run the risk of her losing another baby. They were lucky that this one caused no real complication to her health.

   “Alexis and Jeremy wanted to have dinner tonight.” Beckett announced picking up her father’s watch from the nightstand. “Figured we’d make it a full family dinner by asking the boys to join.”

   Castle smiled at the idea, “I’ll make sure mother goes nowhere near the kitchen.”

   The strange tone in her voice caused Beckett to look up, “Everything okay?’ This would happen now again. Everything would be seemingly fine, at least to her, and then out of nowhere his demeanor would change. Like he was lashing out in a form of punishment. Something Beckett wasn’t even sure if he consciously knew that the he was doing. Their marriage was still somewhat in a bad place, but they were working on it. By working on it meaning talking less than they should about their problems.

   “Everything is fine.”

   “Well if you’re ready we have a crime scene to get too.”

0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0

    How was it that not even ten hours ago they had been laughing and joking, the four of them together again for the first time in over four months?  Just this morning, Castle had ragged on Ryan for his overreaction to Jenny’s call. Beckett made a quip about being married to a scaredy cat. Esposito laughed at them all. Just like old times.

   Castle wanted that morning back. He didn’t want to be standing in front a burning building wondering if his two friends were inside. Hearing Jenny fight another contraction, he looked at the ambulance where Lanie coached her through it while Beckett said at her side holding her hand. Jenny should be at the hospital with Ryan fussing about the delivery room in his signature fashion. But no, she was in the back of an ambulance refusing to leave until they find out where the hell Ryan and Esposito were. Until they found out they were safe. The only thing they knew was that they weren’t. From what Castle and Beckett could gather, the partners went to the very building now on fire for reasons unknown.

    “Castle!” Beckett waved her husband over, cell phone in hand.

   Jenny took the phone that the detective offered, “Is it really you?”

   “Yeah.” Ryan’s hoarse voice filled the other end of the line. “Yeah, it’s me, beautiful.”

   The pregnant woman nearly sobbed at her husband’s soft laugh, “Where are you? The baby is coming!”

   A long pause, “I’m inside.”

   “Inside?” Her gaze shot to Beckett.

   _Oh god!_ Beckett looked to the burning building then to her husband lingering by the door of the ambulance. They could have been the one to take the tip. They could be the ones in a burning building, trapped. Or worse, Beckett thought climbing out of the ambulance to join him. She could be in Jenny’s place, about to give birth to Castle’s child talking helplessly to him on the phone and knowing that it would be for the last time.

   “Kevin please. Please don’t leave me.” She gasps, trying to find sometime of resolve. Strength to not break down completely. If this truly would be their last conversation than she would draw it out for as long as she could. “We need to pick names. Before they come.”

   Castle turned in attempt to give her privacy that he could. He meet’s Beckett’s grief filled gaze, his thoughts running along the same line hers did moments ago. He couldn’t imagine doing what Jenny was doing right now.

   Needing to anchor herself with emotions threatening to sweep her away, Beckett touched a hand to his arm. About the extent of their relationship since coming home. His hand, so large and warm covered hers making her knees tremble. The first loving touch he offered. The first step in bridging the problem between.

   “Kevin? Kevin!” Sobbing, Jenny dropped her arm holding the phone losing her grip on it when another contraction hit. “I don’t want… To do this… Lanie. Not with you him.”

    “I know, Baby. I’m here. We’re here.” Lanie corrected after Beckett climbed in next to her ready to help in any way she could. She glanced at her watch, “The contractions are two minutes apart. Your boys are coming.”

   “I can’t.” Jenny rubbed her swollen stomach. “I can’t.”

   “Yes you can. We will do this.” Beckett encouraged, “Together. We’re not going anywhere.”

    Castle watched amazed at the determination on his wife’s face. She was doing her best to get Jenny through the pains of birth, Lanie at the ready at the woman’s feet. Jenny’s pregnancy had been somewhat of a sore subject for her since the miscarriage. There was none of those ill feelings on Beckett’s face now. Only purpose to get Jenny through this.

   “Detective.” Burton stopped realizing that the woman was preoccupied. “I umm. We caught a break.”

   Since Jenny was in between pushing, Beckett spared a moment too looked at the man. “What is it?”

   Burton held up a stack of file, “Arson investigator got us a name.”

   Beckett’s attention split again as Lanie told Jenny to start pushing again. “Castle.”

   The writer took over talking to Burton. While talking to him, Castle kept an ear out on the progress of Jenny’s progress just in case his assistance was needed. “Mark Kimball.” An arsonist. That meant that this Kimball would have certain traits he couldn’t ignore. “He’s here.”

   “What?”

   “An arsonist can’t help watch their handy work.” He gestured to the fiery multiple story building. “There is no way he would pass this up. We can find him. If he knows this building he might know if there is a way out from the basement.”

   “Castle.” Beckett spoke her husband’s name telling him what to do without having to say more. She couldn’t leave not now. The first baby was coming and Jenny needed the support.

   Climbing into the ambulance, Castle took Beckett’s ankle piece and took off into the crowd. They were all fascinated by the dancing flames, but he sought the one who enjoyed it more. Enjoyed it to the point he received almost a sexual pleasure from it.

   “That’s it, girl.” Lanie coaxed, “One more big push for me.”

   “I can’t.” Jenny collapsed back against the stretcher.

   “Yes you can.” Keeping the woman supported, Beckett awkwardly released the level to get the stretcher flat and slid in behind Jenny. She took both of her hands, “Together, remember. One three you’re going to push, okay. One. Two. Three.”

    Castle found the one out of a hundred that he was seeking. Kimball stood, his face in complete awe, filming the fire on his phone. “Kimball! Don’t move!” Of course the man didn’t listen and moved to take off, but Castle lifted his weapon causing him to freeze. “The basement, is there a way out? Is there?”

    “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

   Growling, Castle shoved Kimball into the car at his back. “Is there a way out?” Again nothing. He grabbed Kimball’s arm, twists him, and grabs his throat. He kept his grip tight so the man began to gasp for air. “Those guys in there are my family. If they die, you die. What’s it going to be?”

   Kimball remained silent.

   “It’s your choice.”

   “There he is.” Wrapping the baby in clean linen found on the ambulance, Lanie raised the wailing newborn to Beckett.

   Carefully cradling him, Beckett slid back on the bench in order to pass the baby to his mother. “You did it, Jenny.”

   Crying, Jenny ran her fingers over her son’s bloody head, “Hello Patrick Kevin Ryan.”

   Beckett could see the boy’s father etched into his face. Her heart began to breaking, “He’s beautiful.” Jenny let out a cry of pain. Panicked, Beckett looked to the ME, “Lanie.”

   “His brother doesn’t want to wait.” Lanie informed, “Beckett take Patrick.”

    “Rescue Seven, what’s your status?”

   There is no response over the walkie talkie. Castle fidgets next to the fire chief with suspense. Did Kimball lie? Were they too late? Did he not press hard enough to get the answer faster?

   “They’re coming out.”

   Following the chief, Castle met the tattered and injured detectives. “Thank God!” He took over for the firefighter carrying Ryan’s weight. “You scared the hell out of us.”

   “Take me.” Ryan wheezed between his coughs, “Take me to Jenny.”

   “You’re so not naming your Irish white kid Javi.” Esposito remarked helping get his partner to the right ambulance.

   Ryan caught himself on the edge of the ambulance after hobbling away from his partner’s in time to see Lanie helping Jenny cuddle their second son. He let out a loud sob.

   “Kevin!” Jenny’s attention lifted from her son’s face, “You’re alive!”

   The Irish detective continued to stare at the site before him.

    “Javi!” Lanie jumped down for the ambulance into Esposito’s waiting arms. “Don’t ever do that again.”

    “Go meet your sons, Kevin.” Castle helped the injured man into the back of the ambulance.

     Kevin lunged forward to kiss his wife, “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.” He whispered over and over again, kissing her until they were both breathless.

   “All right Patrick, here is your dad.” It was a bit awkwardly, Beckett shifted with Kevin so he was at his wife’s side with his newborn nestled in his arms. The moment she stepped out of the ambulance, Castle’s arms engulfed her. The feel of his strong around her after so long broke her. She looked up at him with tears in his eyes. For the first time there was no apprehension in his blue orbs. Only affection, admiration, and untainted love. The bridge was complete they just needed to meet in the middle. Not here though. Right now this moment, this miracle of life, took center stage. She buried her head into her husband’s neck to watch the reunion.

   “Aidan After my grandfather.” Ryan sniffled looking to Jenny, “Aidan Javiar.”

   Jenny touched a hand to his soot covered cheek, “It’s perfect.”

   “Still going to get his ass kicked if he says his full name.” Esposito grunt after Lanie rammed her elbow into his gut. “Easy woman! I just came out of the building that just happens to be on fire.”

   They all laughed. Everyone was okay. Their family may be a bit battered and bruised, but they were okay. They’re okay and everything is amazing.

0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0

    Beckett just walked through the threshold of the door when Castle grasped her by the arm, spun her around, and slammed her against the closed door kissing the breath out of her in the most passion gesture he’d shown in four months. She jerked away taken aback by the sudden actions. Heat started to rise in her chest, filling every part of her body. His eyes bore down to her, darken with desire and that untainted love she saw outside the ambulance. She could feel those beautiful blue orbs track everything from her blinking to the erratic movement of her chest due to her labored breathing. Not wanting to break the moment, she trailed her hands up his chest to fist them in his thick mane of hair.

   This time she had been ready for the passion, her lips parting allowing him full access. One of his hands left her arm, sliding down until he found the hem of her shirt and slipped inside. The contact sent shivers up her spine. Everything felt new. His touch, rougher than she remembered.  His taste, more intoxicating than before. His scent, spicier and warmer. Everything seemed like they were coming together for the first time.  Everything felt right.

   Martha clearing her voice jerked the pair apart, their faces flushed and breathing short. “I will just.” Grabbing her purse from the coat closet, Martha awkwardly skirted around Beckett to get to the door. “Find something for me to do.”

   A silence fell between them before Castle broke it by laughing. “Come on,” he held out a hand for her, “just in case anyone else decides to drop by.”

   Taking it, Beckett pressed herself as tightly as she could against him on their short journey to their bedroom. They sat on the bed as close as humanly possible without literally sitting on each other. “Rick.”

   “I’m sorry.” Cupping the nape of her neck, Castle lowered his brow to hers. “I’ve been treating you so horribly for the past four months. I said I forgave you, but a part of me was so angry with you. Maybe even hated you.”

   “I deserved it. What I did was unforgiveable.”

   He shook his head, “It doesn’t matter.” This time he meant it with every fiber of his being. “I’m lucky that losing the baby didn’t take you away from me in a way I couldn’t get you back. That could have been us tonight. We could have lost each other.”

   Her fingers dug into his shoulders, “I want us back to what we were, Rick. It breaks my heart knowing that I caused the rift between us. I’m going to be a better partner, a better wife to you because you deserve all for me. No more holding back, I swear.”

   “I love you, Kate Beckett, just the way you are. Never change who you.” He pressed his mouth to hers. Their lips moved in time with each other and Castle raised his other hand to Beckett’s hair and tangled his fingers in it.

   Beckett slid over his lap, moving her lips from his neck while her hands started working on the buttons of his shirt. Her fingers shook with nerves.

   “Kate.” He drew her away and took her hands in his to place a kiss on the pad on each of his fingers. “If you’re not ready.”

   She shook her head, drawing him back using mouth, tongue, and hands to drive away any doubt in his mind that this was what she wanted. After months of barely touching being like this was overwhelming. “I want to…” Pulling back, Beckett licked her swollen lips struggling to think straight. She meant it about not hiding behind walls anymore. “Well I hope that- well- still want-.”

   “Of course I still want you.” Castle cut her off by pulling her close just so she could feel how much he wanted her.

   Heat or more like molten lava filled her veins. Beckett stopped him before he could devour her, “I want to try again.” His hands shot to his face to look at her once her meaning sunk in. His touch was so loving, so soft. Beckett fought back tears, “I’m not sure if I ever wanted to be a mother mostly because I never thought I would find a man I wanted to spend my life with. A man that couldn’t love me with all my faults. But you do. I didn’t realize how much I wanted to be a mother until I lost my chance.”

   “You haven’t lost your chance, Kate. We can try again whenever you’re ready.”

   “I think I am,” Beckett confessed. “Now.”

   He raised a brow, “Are you sure?”

   “My OBGYN informed me that there’s been enough time since the miscarriage to try again. I know there is a risk that it can happen again and I’ve accepted that risk. I understand if you need time to and even if you don’t want to try again-.” Beckett got her answer as her husband wrapped her legs around his waist, stood, and laid her ever so gently on her back.

   Castle took his time undressing her making sure he didn’t leave one patch of her skin untouched. He savored each breathless mummer and sigh. God he missed this. Missed the way her fingers desperately clutched at him until they found purchase while he drove her insane with his lips. The way her back arched exposing the beautiful line of her throat when she threw her head backwards in her throws of passion. He missed the way she cried out his name when she fell over the edge loud enough to echo around the room. Watching her slowly return to herself, Castle wondered if the house was truly empty to spare Beckett the embarrassment from having to face his mother after being heard. That was until her hands found the button of his slacks and wrapped themselves around his arousal.

   “Kate.” He groaned out her name. Her hands stroked, and his hips jerked violently. He fought tooth in nail for control. Four months of no sexual contact made it hard to maintain.

   Beckett glanced up at her husband to see his eyes were nearly closed, blue orbs free of any haunted or hurt expression. “You’re over dressed, Mr. Castle.”

   Clumsily, he yanked at his shirt tearing buttons off in haste making the woman beneath him laugh. The sound was so beautiful. “Are you laughing at me, Mrs. Castle?”

   Shaking with laughter, Beckett pressed her face into his neck, “No. Not at all.”

   “That’s it.” He fell onto his side to deal with riding him of the rest of his clothes, “You’re going to get it.”

   “Oh I’m so terrified.”  The words barely left her mouth before he was on her again turning her laughter into moans. The next thing she knew, her release was tearing threw her and she was sobbing out her husband’s name. Or screaming. She couldn’t really tell with the roaring in her ears.

    “Kate.” He settled in between her legs and poised himself at her entrance. “Look at me, Kate. Look at me.”

   His commanding voice left her any choice but to comply. She was glad that she did or she would have missed the emotions that flooded his face as he drove himself inside her. “Rick.”

   “God.” Quivering, he paused stretching out the feeling for as long as he could before being overwhelmed by her heat and began to move. She met him beat for beat. Their bodies forever in sync with each other no matter how long apart. With her nails digging into the small of his back, he plunged madly into her over and over so lost in her that the world just seemed to fade away. God he wanted her, wanted to brand her soul with his, so much he could barely breathe. “You are mine.”

   There was so much desperation on his face and in his kiss, Beckett was consumed by it.

   Castle cupped her face, his touch near bruising. “And I am yours.” He the words tore from his throat, “We belong to each other. Always.”

   Beckett anchored her hand into his hair meeting each violent thrust without missing a beat. His breath was coming in short pants and hot against her face. His eyes blazing. “Always.”

   His release left him shaking to the point his arms couldn’t bare his weight anymore. Burying his face in her throat, Castle collapsed on to his side so he didn’t crush her and she turned to press her body against his. He didn’t mind it one bit. He wasn’t ready to part with her just yet. “I love you.”

   Beckett ran her fingers through his sweat soaked hair, “I love you too.” He had forgiven her. Beckett wasn’t sure why because again she didn’t deserve it. Love, her heart reminded her. That’s what love was.

  


End file.
